The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
Funny Questions
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Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here"...
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time?
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with. --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
That was Zen, this is Tao.
I am on a thirty day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days.
You have a right to your opinions; I just don't want to hear them.
I am retired -- this is as dressed up as I'm going to get.
The problem with patting yourself on the back is that your hands aren't free to break your fall.
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Problem with the gene pool ...... no lifeguard.
Some days it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the straps...
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
I can resist anything but temptation
All good things in moderation ..... including moderation
I don't have a problem with willpower
It's wont power I have a problem with
When you're finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone else decide to play chess?
Life is sexually transmitted.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
ENDLESS LOVE: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
It's lonely at the top but you eat better.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
A company is judged by the president it keeps.
The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
Today marks the 22nd anniversary of the passing of Elvis.
In true kingly fashion he passed while sitting on the throne.
Example of mixed emotions
When your mother-in-law drives your new Cadillac over a cliff.
How do you know if it tastes like chicken
if you can't compare chicken to anything
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Please raise my hand
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit
I was thinking that women should put pictures
of missing husbands on beer cans.
Dyslexics have more fnu
Clones are people, two
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
A mouse is just an elephant built by the Japanese
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
I don't have anything but I'll give you half
One good turn ..... Gets most of the blankets
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
My reality check just bounced
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
My last relationship drove me to drinking.
I never had a chance to thank her!
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs sitting in the leaves?
A: Russel
poly= a suffix meaning many,
tics= blood sucking insects.
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: You give it a boogie!
Q: What do you get when you cross a Kangaroo with and Elephant?
A: Holes all over Australia
Sure the earlybird gets the worm, but the 2nd rat gets the cheese.
Makes You Wonder . . .
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
RANDOM THOUGHTS
Spotted on the back of a Tee shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad:
"If you see me running, try to keep up."
You have the right to remain silent anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do
"Practice"?
Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naive spelled backwards?
Think about it.....
The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
As I said before, I never repeat myself
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder
Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
When everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
Excuses and opinions are like butts everyone's got 'em and they all stink.
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
College Is Just One Big Party, With a $25,000 Cover Charge
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
You think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
There is a thin line between insanity and all other forms of life. I am slowly removing this line because I feel that everyone would be better off crazy.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, "cuz, like you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday. But I never saw either on the calendar
Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.
My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, He takes something for it.
Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.
Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
People seem to read the Bible a whole lot as they get older it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Hope that it is not your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.
This page is maintained by: mark@thecoffeeplace.com
Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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