The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
More Quotes
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Fred Allen:
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
Brooke Astor, NY Times:
"There was a young lady from Kent
Who said she knew what men meant
When they asked her to dine
Private room, champagne, wine,
She knew what they meant and she went."
Jack Benny:
"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
Milton Berle:
"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."
Erma Bombeck:
"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."
"You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home."
Daniel J. Boorstin (Librarian):
"(Reading is like) the sex act....done privately, and often in bed."
Art Buchwald:
"People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him."
Carol Burnett:
"Adolescence is just one big walking pimple."
George Burns:
"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman....or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Harry Chapman:
"Having served on various committees, I have drawn up a list of rules: Never arrive on time; this stamps you as a beginner. Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. Be as vague as possible; this avoids irritating the others. When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. Be the first to move for adjournment: this will make you popular; it's what everyone is waiting for."
Bill Cosby:
"When you become senile, you won't know it."
Noel Coward:
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
Robert Frost:
"I'm not confused. I'm just well mixed."
Zsa Zsa Gabor:
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
Jacqueline Kennedy:
"The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse."
John F. Kennedy:
" A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table."
Ann Landers:
"You need that guy like a giraffe needs strep throat."
"(I advise keeping) four feet on the floor and all hands on deck." (From pamphlet: Teenage Sex and Ten Ways to Cool It)
Sam Levenson:
"Insanity is hereditary....you get it from your children."
Marilyn Monroe:
"I've been on a calendar, but never on time."
"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
(on posing nude for a calendar)
Charles M. Schulz:
"No problem is too big to run away from."
Jenny Zink:
"Santa is even-tempered. Santa does not hit children over the head who kick him. Santa uses the term folks rather than Mommy and Daddy because of all the broken homes. Santa does not have a three-Martini lunch. Santa does not borrow money from store employees. Santa wears a good deodorant." (To employees of Western Temporary Services, supplier of Santa Clauses.)
.................
Nancy
This page is maintained by: mark@thecoffeeplace.com
Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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