The Coffee Place's Joke Stack

Southern Sayings
Southerners have their own version of politically correct speech. It's called exageration. To help newcomers talk like the locals, we've borrowed a few examples of Southern sayings from a book called Like We Say Back Home and from an article in Texas Monthly. But most all of them we've heard at one time or another from Southerners we know personally. When they're talking up to snuff, they can come up with more clever sayings than Carter has little yellow liver pills.

He has a face that would harelip the governor.
She's so ugly they had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.
She was so ugly I gnawed my arm off the next morning so I wouldn't wake her up.
She's so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water.
She's prettier than a red wagon full of speckled pups.
She's finer than frog hair.

He took off like a scalded dog.
He's so busy you'd think he was twins.
He's so slow he's got to speed up to stop.

I'm busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
I'm busier than a one-legged cat covering up sh_ _.
I've been busier than a set of jumper cables at a family reunion.

He was so drunk he couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle.

He's tighter than the bark on a tree.
He can squeeze a dollar 'til it hollers.

Ted Turner is richer than clabbered cream.
He's got enough money to burn a wet elephant.
I'm so broke I can't pay attention.
I'm so broke I ain't got eyewater to cry with.

He's full of more sh_ _ than a Christmas turkey.

He's been around since Hector was a pup.
She's two years older than dirt.
He's so old he could have been a waiter at the Last Supper.

It's hotter than a billy goat in a pepper patch.
It's hotter than a June bride in a feather bed.
It's hotter than nine nekkid women in a Volkswagen.
It's so dry the river only runs twice a week.
It's colder than a well-digger's ass in Idaho.

You bite into one of them biscuits, it'd make a puppy pull a freight train.

He's so skinny he has to run around in the shower to get wet.
She's so short you can see her feet on her driver's license.

I'll be on you like white on rice.
I'm nervous as a whore in church.
He's got his back up.
He's all bent out of shape.
She could start a fight in an empty house.

That dog won't hunt.

Pee on the fire and call in the dogs, the hunt's over.

The ol' "Double sacker" phrase. ....
a siphon hose can be known as an "Oklahoma credit card"
The coffee's so strong, you can float a pistol in it.
Fell over like a relative at an open bar.
I've had fun before. This ain't it.
Don't buy nothin' with a handle on it. It could mean work.
Slicker than deer guts on a doorknob.
He's got his own "reserved" spot at the bail bondsman's.
Had so much fun, they called 911!

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Changes were last made on 11-20-2001

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