The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
From : Jeffery Foy 1:343/58.206 Thu 17 Feb 94 14:35
[For Humour - sorry, you misspelled it, not me! :) ]
A reporter was interviewing Sir Winston Churchill. "What do you say, Sir," he asked, "to the prediction that in the year 2000 women will be ruling the world?"
Churchill smiled his wise, old-cherub smile, "They still will, eh?"
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"Mamma," shrieked the little boy, watching his toy train in operation, "it's faster than hell, ain't it?"
"Willie," exclaimed the modern mother, "how many times do I have to tell you never to use that vulgar word 'ain't'?"
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A recent newspaper ad for a community college was headed: "Short Course in Accounting for Teens."
Not long after it appeared, the ad drew one short letter, addressed to the school's president. "There is NO accounting for teenagers."
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The man who does not tell the truth is likely to be found out. As in the case of the country minister who said to his flock:
"Folks, the subject of my sermon this evening is 'Liars.' How many in the congregation have read the 69th chapter of Matthew?"
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up immediately.
"That's right," said his reverence. "You're just the folks I want to preach to. There is no 69th chapter of Matthew."
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A prudish lady once accosted the learned Samuel Johnson shortly after publication of his monumental dictionary of the English language.
Said she, "Dr. Johnson, I am distressed that your dictionary contains so many vulgar words."
Replied Johnson, 'Madam, I am immeasurably distressed that you actually looked them up!"
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Two ministers were walking along a country road. One of them took a cigar out of his pocket, lit it and began to smoke. The other viewed this action with obvious disfavour, and didn't hesitate to say so. "Brother, I see you smoke. I am amazed at you. Are you not aware that it is an inexcusably vile habit? Why, even a pig won't smoke!"
They walked on in silence for a few minutes, and then the smoker uncorked the following reply, between puffs on his cigar: "Brother--I've been thinking of what you just said--about a pig not smoking--and I
infer that you mean--to suggest some subtle resemblance--between me and a pig. But, my dearest brother--inasmuch as you do not smoke--and the pig does not smoke--it appears to me that there is a greater resemblance between you and the pig--than between me and the pig!"
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A couple traveled several miles down a country highway in silence. An earlier argument left both unwilling to concede their positions. Passing a barnyard of mules, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
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The story is told of a number of spirits who demanded admission at the Celestial Gates. The keeper inquired who the first applicant might be.
"It's me," a voice replied. And St. Peter bade him enter.
Another knock. Another question. "Who's there?" demanded St. Peter.
"It is I," a voice replied.
"Another one of those school teachers!" grinned St. Peter.
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A doctor, picking up his car at a garage, was highly indignant at the size of the repair bill. "All this for a few hours' work!" he yelped. "Why, you charge more for your work than we of the medical profession do!"
"Well now," drawled the mechanic, "the way I look at it, we got it coming to us. You guys have been working on the same old model since time began, but we gotta learn a brand-new model every year."
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A fourth grade class, beginning their study of United States Presidents, was involved in a trivia quiz. When asked which President had a stuffed animal named after him, the class immediately responded,
"Garfield."
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A prison chaplain was walking a convicted criminal to the gallows to be hanged. On the way, the chaplain said to the prisoner, "The future will be much better for you in Heaven."
"You don't really believe that!" replied the prisoner.
"I most certainly do," responded the chaplain.
"Then switch places with me," said the prisoner, "because I like the present just fine."
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The preacher was preparing his sermon as his small daughter watched.
"Daddy," she asked, "does God tell you what to say?"
"Of course, honey," he answered, "why do you ask?"
"Oh," was the reply, "then why do you scratch some of it out?"
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Abraham Lincoln was once accused, during a debate, of being two- faced.
"I leave it to you, my audience," he replied, "if I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?"
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When Sarah Bernhardt, the celebrated French actress, had grown old, she lived in an apartment high above the streets of Paris.
One evening she was visited by an old admirer, who knocked at her door all out of breath from the long climb.
"Madame," he exclaimed, "why is it that you live so high up?"
"Dear friend," replied the actress, "it is the only way I can still make the hearts of men beat faster."
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"How much are the cigars?" asked a customer at the tobacco shop.
"Two for a quarter," said the girl behind the counter.
"All right," said the man. "I'll take one."
"That'll be fifteen cents," replied the clerk.
The customer paid for the cigar and left. A man who overheard the transaction came up to the counter.
"Here's a dime," he said. "I'll take the other one."
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
. . . and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
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Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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