The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
At a reception in Washington, a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she said as he hesitated.
"I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile. "The only trouble is that I hesitate whether to make you ten years younger on account of your looks, or ten years older on account of your intelligence."
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Joan Crawford was known to have a good library and to be one of the few actors who read the classics. The story is told about a celebrated writer whome she was once entertaining and who complimented her on her taste in books.
"You see," said Joan, flattered, "my mother always gives me a book on my birthday."
Here her husband broke in: "You can also see," he said, grinning broadly, "that Joan has a pretty large library!"
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A physician, observing Charles Bannister, the great English actor, about to drink a glass of brandy, said: "Don't drink that filthy stuff; brandy is the worst enemy you have."
"I know that," responded Charles, "but you know we are commanded by scripture to love our enemies."
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A senator telephoned the British Embassy on George Washington's birthday. When the phone was answered, he kidded the embassy staff member: "You are working on one of our national holidays; I'm not sure our government would approve of that."
Replied the Britisher: "My government expects me to be attentive to duty on *ALL* American holidays. By not being alert one July fourth, we lost some valuable real estate!"
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A teacher while conducting a class said to her pupils: "Now we have fifteen minutes within which to do nothing else, so let's work some riddles and conundrums. I'll ask the first. Let's see who can guess the answer. If Washington crossed the Delaware, how old am I?"
There was a blank stare on everyone's face, but for one little youngster in the back of the room who was busily scribbling on a piece of paper. Finally, he raised his hand and said:
"Teacher, I have the answer."
"What is it, Johnny?" said she.
"Forty-eight," came back the answer.
"That's right, but how did you guess it?"
"Oh," said Johnny, "I didn't guess it, I worked it out by arithmetic; you see, I have a brother at home, his name is Tommy, he's twenty-four, and he's half nuts. Two times twenty-four is forty-eight."
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The self-made storekeeper had little patience with formal education. When a young person applied for work in his store, the owner said: "Sure, I'll give you a job. Sweep up the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," protested the young man.
"Okay, I'll show you how."
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The oldest member of the town's planning committee had quietly pointed out flaws in several ambitious plans set forth by the Big Thinkers in the group.
"Blast it, Ben," said one firmly, "do you have to throw cold water on everything?"
"Cold water," countered Uncle Ben, "just naturally results when a lot of hot air gets on thin ice."
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A very affected young man who had been holding forth at great length remarked, "I simply *can't* bear fools!"
"How odd," chimed in Dorothy Parker. "Apparently your mother could."
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Little Bobby had forgotten a schoolmate's birthday and sat down to write a note of apology.
"I have no excuse for forgetting," he wrote, "and it would serve me right if you forgot my birthday next Wednesday."
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In his autobiography Mark Twain concluded a tirade against a publisher, who had once swindled him outrageously, on a note of forgiveness.
"He has been dead a quarter of a century now," Twain wrote. "I feel only compassion for him, and if I could send him a fan I would."
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Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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