The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
Title: Kook Book Humor #2 - Al Martin
Apricot:
Delicious, delicately flavored fruit which, due to its susceptibility to spoilage in shipping, is, alas, rarely available fresh and in generally consumed in dried and canned form.
Apricot Brandy:
Appropriate liqueur to drink in liberal amounts while contemplating the tragic unavailability of fresh apricots.
Arab Coffee:
Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint.
Aroma:
A smell described by a bore.
Artichoke:
Rather peculiar foodstuff related to the thistle. Artichokes are quite troublesome to eat, but in some ways they are the ideal green vegetable because not only is it unnecessary to finish them, it is entirely proper to leave large portions of them completely untouched.
Asparagus:
This universally loved vegetable is, paradoxically, the source of a number of tiresome controversies, such as whether the green, purple or white varieties are the finest; whether it should be cooked standing up or horizontally; whether it should be steamed or lightly poached; whether the stems should be snapped off or cut off and the remainder of the stalks should be peeled; and whether is is acceptable to eat asparagus with the fingers. For this reason, cooks who are expecting disputatious guests are urged to serve Brussels sprouts, which are universally conceded to be unappealing no matter how they are prepared.
Avocado:
Tasty, creamy-textured tropical or subtropical fruit. Avocados are the key ingredient in guacamole, one of the many delightful dishes from south of the border that are a major positive contribution to American cuisine and go a long way toward making up for Mexico's one significant negative contribution: Texas.
Avoirdupois:
Formal name for the pounds-and-ounces weight system. Metric conversion has gone somewhat slowly in the United States, but dieters would consider an immediate partial changeover to metric units since anyone who now must concede with some embarrassment that he weighs "oh, a bit over 200" could, using kilograms, remark with confidence that he tips the scales at 124. A word of warning, however: other metric measurements are far less satisfactory. A waistline of 39 inches is 99 centimeters, a food containing 100 calories is packed with over 400 kilojoules, and an earnest weight-watcher who jogs 2 miles a day would have to run over 3 kilometers to achieve the same exercise value.
Bacon:
Salted and smoked meat from the back and sides of a pig. The proper term for a slab of bacon is a gammon or a flitch, and a serving is a rasher or a collop. A person who cooks bacon is a stingfinger or skinflinch. A woman who complains about the cooking smell is a whifftrollop, and one who is enraged by the cost of bacon is a mammongnasher. An individual who takes a freshly cooked piece of bacon without asking is a filch, someone who reveals the identity of such a person is a snacksnatchsnitch, and a cook who punishes him is a snitchbasher. Burnt bacon is called goddamon, and whoever has the chore of cleaning the pan is a bangskillet, potwollop, or pandamner.
This page is maintained by: mark@thecoffeeplace.com
Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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