The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
Title: Kook Book Humor #18 - Al Martin
Lentil:
1. Bland seed of a leguminous plant similar to a vetch, used in soups and stews.
2. Yiddish word for a dinner guest who comes into the kitchen, takes lids off pots, stirs the contents, adds seasonings, and then complains bitterly about the result.
Lettuce:
Term that properly refers to plants of the genus Lactuca commonly used in salads --- among them, Bibb and Boston, oak leaf, ruby, and romaine lettuce and mache --- but is often used erroneously to include other salad greens like arugula, escarole, and raddiccio. In the last year for which figures were available, Americans bought 19.7 pounds of lettuce and salad greens per person, of which they ate 6.1 pounds, moved 4.6 pounds around their plates with a fork, pretended to find a bug on 2.3 pounds, slipped .9 pound into houseplant pots, and courteously left a generous 5.8 pounds in the salad bowl for others to enjoy.
Lobster:
Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", the flourish a picture of scallop or sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your guests will be, too.
Macadamia:
The only well-known Australian nut that hasn't raced yachts or served as prime minister.
Macaroni and Cheese:
Simple-to-prepare, classic casserole dish that was once a commonplace of dinner parties and "socials." Alas, the revolution in food tastes has made such humble concoctions unwelcome to those with sophisticated palates, but if this recipe is one of your favorites, you can still serve it under the name Maccheroni con Formaggio Velveeta di Amerigo Vespucci. Be careful to present it in an earthenware casserole, and if there are any leftovers, don't say "Well, guess I'll just shoot this stuff into the old dog dish"; say, "Excuse me while I transfer these oddzi and enzi into the dischetta della poochini."
Margarine:
Vile butter substitute invented, incredibly, by a French chemist who was tried for his crime at the Court Bouillon, the noted culinary tribunal in Paris, and sentenced to a long prison term on Devil's Island. While there, the incorrigible miscreant managed, using borrowed and stolen materials, to devise a method of preserving and mass-producing mayonnaise and to concoct the world's first non-dairy creamer.
Marinade:
Any flavored liquid mixture in which a dish whose recipe you just looked up after deciding to serve it this evening should have been soaking since at least last night.
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Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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