The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
Title: Kook Book Humor #15 - Al Martin
Grocery Store Clerk:
Employee of a food store or supermarket who packs a grocery bag with, typically, a sack of potato chips, two light bulbs, a dozen eggs, a container of yogurt, a bottle of apple juice, and a melon, in that order.
Grouse:
1. (n.) Tasty game bird found in countries throughout the Northern Hemisphere.
2. (v.) To complain audibly after encountering a mouthful of buckshot in one's grouse or, alternatively, finding a Frank Perdue Rock Cornish game hen tag tied to its foot.
Ham:
The upper part of the hind leg of a hog, usually cured and/or smoked.
There are two basic types of American ham: the handmade country hams like the Smithfield, which is salted, smoked for a week or more, and then aged for as long as two years in special warehouses; and the mass-produced urban hams like the Richmond, which is given a coating of highway salt, blasted with diesel exhaust for 30 seconds, then left in a bus station locker for a week.
Hamburger:
It's an odd fact that the two most quintessentially American foods - the hamburger and the frankfurter - derive their names and presumable their origins from a pair of German cities not particularly noted for their cuisines. What makes the happy appearance of these universally loved comestibles in the United States even more remarkable is that the culinary milieu from which they emerged was so unpromising, and Americans should be very thankful that early German immigrants to their country brought with them the hamburger and the frankfurter and not the Augsburger (meat pie stuffed with ground ox hearts and kale), the Wurzburger (cooked liver smothered in shaved turnips and served on a prune strudel), the Schweinfurter (goat sausage and lard on a dumpling), or the Erfurter (pig's foot in a potato skin topped with cold noodles).
Health Food:
Any food whose flavor is indistinguishable from that of the package in which it is sold. See "Junk Food".
Helpful Guest:
Well-intentioned individual who assists in the process of converting the good china into everyday china.
Herbs and Spices:
Basic flavoring substances consisting of the leaves (in the case of herbs) and seeds (in the case of spices) of various aromatic plants, intended to be used in very small amounts and typically added to a dish when the cook first mixes the ingredients; once again while he stirs the pot during a distracting telephone call; and one more time immediately following his second martini.
Hollandaise:
Complex egg-based sauce usually consisting of two or three minor miscalculations combined with a least one major mistake.
Honey:
Sugary liquid substance produced by bees from the nectar of flowers and used as a spread or sweetener. Incidentally, a full jar of honey dropped onto a kitchen floor was recently voted Mess of the Year by the readers of "Modern Annoyance Magazine," narrowly edging out a slow puncture leak in the bottom of a family-size plastic cola bottle stored on the top shelf of a refrigerator and a 10-pound flour sack with a torn bottom placed in the back of a cupboard.
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Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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