The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
Kook Book Humor #28 - Al Martin
Utensil:
Any spill, cut, burn, or bungle with a handle on the end.
Veal:
Tender, delicately flavored meat of a young calf, most often sold as scallopini, i.e., cutlets pounded flat for sauteing. If the butcher has pounded the cutlets to less that one-sixteenth of an inch of thickness, they should technically be labeled wallopine. Also, unscrupulous markets have occasionally been known to substitute horsemeat for the veal. Beware of any marketed as veal gallopine.
Vegetarian:
Individual who declines to eat animal products, on either moral or nutritional grounds. Since vegetarians are often inclined to be somewhat self-righteous in the presence of meat-eaters, people who consume beef and poultry relish encounters between vegetarians and the considerably more fervent mineralarians, who shun both animal and vegetable matter. Because their meals of marl, rutile, and bentonite, make these dietary fanatics quite testy, they can be counted on to attack vegetarians as "herbicidal maniacs" and "sap-thirsty cutstems" whose hands are stained green from a gruesome harvest of defenseless plant life.
Vinaigrette:
Basic French dressing that consists of too much oil added a bit too quickly to a mixture containing partially ground peppercorns from a malfunctioning mill, an excess of salt, all the juice that could be gotten out of an old lemon half, and dry mustard that fell out of the can in a big lump.
Vinegar:
Sour liquid made chiefly from fermented wine or cider and used as a flavoring, particularly in salad dressings. In recent years, purveyors of fancy foods have transformed vinegar, and to some degree mustard, into gourmet food products with the addition of peppercorns, fennel, dill, thyme, and so forth. Those who hoped that this pointless fad would pass will not be cheered to learn that in the coming year major food conglomerates plan to introduce shallot-tarragon tarter sauce, herb Tabasco, and basil ketchup.
Vitamins:
The major vitamins, a few of their sources, and some of their recognized effects are: A (carrots and other root vegetables), physical growth, healthy eyes and skin; B-1 (cereals, pork, legumes), healthy nerves, good digestion; B-2 (dairy products, eggs, liver), good metabolism, proper muscular function; niacin (lean meat, cereal, liver), healthy skin; B-12 (seafood, dairy products), blood-cell formation; C (citrus fruits), healthy gums and teeth; D (oily fish and eggs), proper bone growth; E (vegetable oils), muscle tone, fertility; and K (rice, bran), blood clotting. In addition, dedicated nutrition nuts believe in the existence and consume large amounts of the following unrecognized vitamins: L (fruit pits, corn cobs), lush beard growth, fixed toothy smile; Q (bean curd, fish meal), piercing eyes, unnerving stare; X (nut husks, kelp, bark), bone-crushing handshake; Y (pumpkin stems), tireless tongue, long wind; and Z (beet greens, millet), thick skull, bony head.
Whisk:
One of a number of exercise devices used by sedentary cooks to develop muscles and improve body tone. Other items of workout equipment found in kitchens include the eggbeater (strengthens pectorals), the cheese grater (enlarges triceps), and the salad spinner (firms up deltoids).
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Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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