The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
From : Jeffery Foy 1:343/58.206 Thu 24 Feb 94 20:12
"Alert?" repeated a politician when questioned concerning one of his political opponents. "Why he's as alert as a Providence bridegroom I heard of the other day. You know how bridegrooms starting off on their honeymoons sometimes forget all about their brides and buy tickets only for themselves? That's what happened to the Providence young man. And when his wife said to him, 'Why Tom, you bought only one ticket,' he answered without a moment's hesitation, 'By jove, you're right, dear! I'd forgotten myself entirely!'"
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A tourist was visiting New Mexico. While gazing at the dinosaur bones that were everywhere, he met an old Indian who acted as an unofficial guide.
"How old are these bones?" asked the tourist.
"Exactly one hundred million and three years old," was the Indian's reply.
"How can you be so definite?" inquired the tourist.
"Oh, a geologist told me they were one hundred million years old," replied the Indian, "and that was exactly three years ago."
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A stranger entered the building and asked a young man standing in the lobby, "Can you tell me where Mr. Smith lives?"
The lad smiled and replied pleasantly, "Yes, sir. I'll show you."
Six flights up the boy pointed out a room as that belonging to Mr. Smith. The man pounded on the door repeatedly and, after no response, commented, "He's not here."
"Oh, no, sir," replied the young man. "Mr. Smith was downstairs waiting in the lobby."
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A young American stood before Beethoven's piano in a Vienna museum. Presently she struck off a few discordant notes. "I suppose," she said to the attendant, "that many noted musicians have inspected
this instrument."
"Oh, yes," replied the man. "Recently Paderewski was here."
"Paderewski!" exclaimed the visitor. "Certainly he must have played something wonderful.
"On the contrary; he did not feel worthy to touch it!"
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After President Coolidge issued his famous "I do not choose to run" statement, he was besieged by reporters seeking a more detailed statement. One more persistent reporter followed Mr. Coolidge to the door of his library.
"Exactly why don't you want to be President again, Mr. Coolidge?" he asked.
Coolidge turned and looked him squarely in the eye. "Because," he answered, "there's no chance for advancement."
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Two Massachusetts state senators got into an angry debate and one told the other he could "go to hell." The man thus consigned called on the Governor and asked him to do something about it.
The Governor called a few days later: "I've looked up the law, Senator, and you don't have to go there."
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Ethel Barrymore was in her dressing room in Hollywood when a studio usher tapped on the door. "A couple of gals in the reception room, Miss Barrymore, who say they went to school with you. What shall I
do?"
"Wheel them in," said the incomparable Ethel.
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Victor Hugo, titan of French literature, was once called upon to comfort a friend who had arrived at his fiftieth birthday and was depressed at the idea of growing old.
"You should rejoice, my friend," Hugo told him, "that you have escaped your forties, which are the old age of youth, and have at last arrived at the age of fifty, which is the youth of old age."
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It is said that when Konrad Adenauer, former West German Chancellor, was laid up with the grippe, he chafed at his doctor and said he had to get better because he was scheduled to make an official
trip abroad.
"I'm not a magician," said the doctor. "I can't make you young again."
To which Adenauer is reported to have replied: "I'm not asking that. I don't want to become young again; all I want is to go on getting old."
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Returning from a trip to Europe, Mark Twain became annoyed as a customs official rummaged through his baggage. "My good friend," the author exclaimed, "you don't have to mix up all my things. There are only clothes in there -- nothing but clothes."
But the suspicious fellow kept rooting about until he hit upon something hard. He pulled out a quart of the finest quality bourbon. "You call this 'just clothes'?" cried the official.
"Sure thing," Twain replied calmly. "That is my nightcap."
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A mother of twelve was asked, "What is the worst thing you could get on your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary?"
"Morning sickness," she replied.
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George Bernard Shaw, tall and slender, was once told by G.K. Chesterton, who was noted for his rotundity: "To look at you, Shaw, a person would think there was a famine in England."
To which Shaw sarcastically retorted: "Yes, and to look at you, he'd think you were the cause of it."
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A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Republican Party?"
"About five feet two inches," he promptly replied.
"No, no!" exploded the teacher. "I mean how many members does it have? How do you get five feet two inches?"
"Well," replied the boy, "my father is six feet tall and every night he puts his hand to his chin and says, "I've had the Republican Party ... up to *here*!"
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In their early and less opulent days, George Burns wanted to send some flowers to Gracie Allen, who was in the hospital. Having exactly enough money to buy eleven roses, he wrote, "Dear Gracie, here
are eleven roses. The twelfth one is you."
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Winston Churchill received a critical letter from an angry educator who was protesting Parliament's crucifixion of the English language in writing some of its laws. The writer ended the criticism with, "Why they are even misplacing prepositions." Churchill knew better than to take such slams too personally yet he felt a need to respond (as only Churchill could). He wrote, "Madam, this is an outrage up with
which we will not put."
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"I've had a wonderful evening," said Groucho Marx to his hostess as he was leaving a dull Hollywood party, "but this wasn't it."
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A six-year-old and her four-year-old brother had a difference of opinion which finally led to blows.
"Children! Children!" exclaimed their mother. "Haven't you heard of the Golden Rule?"
"Yes," sputtered the six-year-old, "but he did unto me first!"
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"Everyone in town is talking about the Smith quarrel," remarked the wife. "Some are taking his part and some are taking hers..."
"And," interrupted her husband, "I suppose a few eccentric individuals are minding their own business."
... You said a mouseful!
* Origin: Foybles In Seattle (1:343/58.206)
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