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Deep and profound humor
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Deep Thoughts
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Home is where the house is.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I
used to, until she got an unlisted number.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right
there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things
I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had
that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could
come up with.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't
you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong
to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for
an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried
under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him
the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to
upset him.
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn
mower.
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet
paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny
cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate,
and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone
died.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't
have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last
day of their life?
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like
they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for
a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes
each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop
making it.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.
This is as bad as it can get... but don't bet on it.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster... until you get in it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
- Thomas F. Jones, Jr., 1916 - 1981.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Do unto others.
RANDOM THOUGHTS
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten
this.
Don't worry about the world ending today ...It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark
to read.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing
with the enemy.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
You should have hobbies. I have a large sea shell collection, I keep scattered
on all the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it?
A Man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well
enough to see you clearly.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1.Women
2.Fractions
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it.
If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it.
If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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Changes were last made on 05-30-2005
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