The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
You know your a redneck if ...
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You know you are a Redneck when :
If you have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
If you consider a six pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
When someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
If your Junior and Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The primary color of your car is Bondo.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
If your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
If your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have the Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
If you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
If you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired" people.
If your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
If you see no need to stop at a rest area because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
If you have a rag for a gas cap.
If your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
If you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
If you barbeque Spam on the grill.
If you have to scratch your sister's name of the message "For a good time call ______________ " .
If your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
If you bought a VCR so you could tape Wrestling while you were at work.
If your dad walks you to school because you both are in the same grade
If your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
If you view the next up-coming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
If you prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
If your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
If your front porch falls in and kills more than three dogs.
If you call the boss "Dude".
If you think Volvo is a part of a woman's anatomy.
If you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
If you've been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
If your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an opening on the lube rack.
If you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
If you need an estimate from the barber before you get a haircut.
If your children address you as "Uncle Dad"
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain
If you've spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass
If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan directions to you home include "turn off the paved road"
If you front yard has one or more cars up on blocks
If you brother-in-law is also your uncle
If you father walks you to school every day because you're both in
the same grade
If you bought a VCR to tape pro wrestling while you're at bingo
If your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive
If you view your next family reunion as a good chance to meet babes
If you prominently display all the gifts you bought at Graceland
You have an Elvis jello mold
If your house doesn't have curtains but your pickup truck does
If you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it
If your father encourages you to quit school because you cousin Larry has an opening down at the lube rack
If you own more cowboy boots than sneakers
If you've ever been to a funeral where there were more pickup trucks than cars
If your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed
Jack Daniels makes your most admired list
If you think a Volvo is part of a woman's body
If you only need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the House of Tattoos
Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding
If you have a picture of Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash or Elvis over your fireplace
If you just bought an 8-track tape player for your car
If your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off of it
If you consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment
If your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board
If your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs
If your family tree does not fork
If your front porch collapses and kills more than 6 dogs.
If you've used lard in bed.
If you think potted meat and crackers are an hors d'oeuvre.
There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house.
If you consider a six-pack of beer and watching a bug-zapper real entertainment.
Less than half of the cars you own run.
If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Patrolman to kiss her ass.
The main color of your car is "primer".
If you honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and tongue gestures.
If your family tree doesn't fork.
If your wife's hairdo has been caught in a ceiling fan.
If your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
If you've Bar-B-Qued chitlins' on the grill.
The neighbors started a petition concerning your hog pen.
If you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.
The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
If you consider Penthouse or Field & Stream deep reading.
The diploma hanging in your den includes the words "Trucking Institute".
If your mother keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board.
If you've worn a tank top to a wedding.
If you think Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most common phrase heard at your family reunion is
"What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
If you think beef sticks, moon pies, and grits are
three of the major food groups.
If you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
If you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
If you think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
If you have a rag for a gas cap.
If you had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
If you've used a weed eater indoors.
If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
If you wait to fart in bed so you can fan the covers on your spouse.
If you have a fly-strip hanging above the kitchen table.
If your matchbook doubles as a toothpick.
The Game Warden knows your footprints and tire tracks on sight.
If your cheek sags down to your collar without your tobacco chaw.
If you have no idea what color your shoes were when you got them.
The Sheriff keeps a cell reserved for your family members.
The Brewery Workers Union sent you a thank you note for all the overtime you sent their way.
If your mule backs up to every stump it sees.
If you can't remember which holiday you took your last bath on.
If you ever used lard in bed.
If you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
If you have ever spraypainted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
If you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
If your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.
If the primary color of your car is bondo.
If directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
If you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
If your ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
If Jack Daniel's makes your list of most admired people.
If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
If you see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
If you have a rag for a gas cap.
If your dog can't watch your cat without gagging.
If you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
If you have a bar-b-que with Spam on the grill.
If you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of the message "for a good time, call ______."
If your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
If Redman chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
If you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
If your dad waks you to school because you're in the same grade.
If you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
If your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
If you prominently display gifts you bought at Graceland.
If your house doesn't have curtains, and your truck does.
If your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.
If you ever started a petition to habe the National Anthem changed to "Free Bird."
If you call the boss "dude."
If you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
If you consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.
If you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
If you need one more hole punched in your card befor you get a freebie at the House of Tatoos.
If your father encourages you to quit school because Earl has an opening on the lube rack.
If you get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.
If after making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window.
If anyone in your family has ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
If your family tree is a straight line.
If you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
If you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
If you have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnny Cash over your fireplace.
If you still have an 8 track player in your car.
If you have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.
If your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard.
If you think BMW's are the call letters for a radio station.
If you own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds.
If you've ever been to a funeral where there were more pickup trucks than cars.
If your all-time favorite movie is Cannonball Run.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
You use a weedeater in your living room.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF......
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this"
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
This page is maintained by: mark@thecoffeeplace.com
Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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