The Coffee Place's Joke Stack

• Fish and visitors stink after three days.
  
• How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them!
  
• A country man between two lawyers, is like a fish between two cats.
  
• There are three faithful friends....an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
  
• If passion drives, let reason hold the reins.
  
• To err is human, to repent divine; to persist devilish.
  
• They who have nothing to trouble them, will be troubled at nothing.
  
• Keep conscience clear....then never fear.
  
• Doing an injury puts you below your enemy; revenging one makes you but even with him; forgiving it sets you above him.
  
• If you would have guests merry with cheer, be so yourself, or so at least appear.
  
• The worst wheel of the cart makes the most noise.
  
• Necessity never made a good bargain.
  
• There's many witty men whose brains can't fill their bellies.
  
• Half wits talk much but say little.
  
• An open foe may prove a curse; but a pretended friend is worse.
  
• 'Tis easy to see....hard to foresee.
  
• Quarrels never could last long, if on one side only lay the wrong.
  
• Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
  
• There are lazy minds as well as lazy bodies.
  
• Wish not so much to live long, as to live well.
  
• Clean you finger, before you point at my spots.
  
• Death takes no bribes.
  
• Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden, but it is forbidden because it is hurtful.
  
• A true friend is the best possession.
  
• No gains without pains.
  
• A lie stands on one leg....truth on two.
  
• A soft tongue may strike hard.
  
• Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
  
• At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30 the wit; at 40 the judgment.
  
• Great talkers....little doers.
  
• Eat to live; live not to eat.
  
• The heart of the fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of the wise man is in his heart.
  
• He's the best physician that knows the worthlessness of the most medicines.
  
• A slip of the foot you may soon recover, but a slip of the tongue you may never get over.
  
• People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
  
• A pair of good ears will drink dry a hundred tongues.
  
• You may delay, but time will not.
  
• Lost time is never found again.
  
• He that cannot obey, cannot command.
  
• Drink water, put the money in your pocket, and leave the dry-bellyache in the punch bowl.
  
• If you would reap praise you must sow the seeds, gentle words and useful deeds.
  
• Haste makes waste.
  
• Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.
  
• When the well's dry, we know the worth of water.
  
• A good wife and health, is a man's best wealth.
  
• Don't throw stones at your neighbor's, if you own windows are glass.
  
• Glass, china, and reputation are easily crack'd, and never well mended.
  
• He that scatters thorns, let him not go barefoot.
  
• Nothing so popular as goodness.
  
• The rotten apple spoils his companion.
  
• 'Tis easier to prevent bad habits than to break them.
  
• Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
  
• A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough.
  
• To be intimate with a foolish friend, is like going to bed to a razor.
  
• A full belly makes a dull brain.
  
• Laziness travels so slowly that poverty soon overtakes him.
  
• When a friend deals with a friend, let the bargain be clear and well penned, that they may continue friends to the end.
  
• Work as if you were to live 100 years, pray as if you were to die tomorrow.
  
• Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
  
• Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
  
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  
• When you're getting kicked from behind, that means you're in front.
  
• Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
  
• Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
  
• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
  
• When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public building.
  
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  
• The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
  
• Advertisement: "Let me do your income tax. I'll save you time (about 20 years)."
  
• Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
  
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
  
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  
• A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
  
• A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.
  
• The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
  
• Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
  
• Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
  
• She doesn't care for a man's company unless he owns it.
  
• A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.
  
• A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
  
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
  
• If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
  
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  Ever notice...
  
• ...that no matter where you sit at a ballgame, you're always between the hot dog peddler and his best customer?
  
• ...that no matter how crowded a room is, there's always room for one bore.
  
• ...that the waitress always comes around to ask how your food is when you have your mouth full?
  

Changes were last made on 11-20-2001

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