The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
Hoopla Object Oriented Programming
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Stolen from INFO WORLD "Peer to Peer" by Wayny V. Herbert, Oct 4, 1993
'What's all the HOOPLA about? Programming jargon, you neophyte'
Object-oriented programming is confusing. Even the defintion of object-
oriented programming is open to many different interpretations. This sad state
of affairs reduces productivity and hinders the spread of this exciting new
technology.
All is not lost, though. With the announcement of HOOPLA
(Hopelessly Obtuse Programming Language with Attatchements), the ultimate in
object-oriented development environments is available to even the most
skeptical programmer. HOOPLA not only embodies all the paradigms and concepts
of today's object-oriented languages, it provides many extensions and
techniques to further obfuscate the art and science of computer programming.
The list of HOOPLA's benefits is nearly endless, but here are a few
that will keep trainers busy for years to come.
METAMORPHISM. Expanding on the concept of polymorphism, HOOPLA's
powerful artificial intelligence automatically changes class libraries and
objects while you are asleep. Based on the few lines of code you write today,
HOOPLA "knows" that sooner or later you will have to code the details of the
module and does it for you. Plus, the changes are hidden, ensuring that class
ancestor code remains a mystery.
TWO PARENT INHERITENCE (TPI). Taking a cue from biology, TPI combines
classes from separate hierarchies and subjects them to a "survival of the
fittest" test. Any classes that don't cause unrecoverable application errors
are incorporated as new derived classes.
DYNAMIC BONDAGE AND DISCIPLINE. Allows programmers to write a generic
routine and use it over and over again with unpredictable results. Through the
discipline module, however, programmers can be assured instructions will be
obeyed and unruly objects won't make the same mistake again.
OBJECT INSISTANCE. Taking persistent objects one step further,
insistent objects finally solve the most dreaded of programming errors:
the accidental deletion of code. Insistent objects don't go away even when
you want them to.
GRAPHICAL OBJECT-ORIENTED PROGRAMMING (GOOP). Recognizing that some
of the most brilliant ideas have resulted from doodles, GOOP provides the
programmer with a library (a Dynamic Link Library, actually) of thousands of
whirlygigs, curlicues, doodads, and whooziwhatzis that can be linked together
using toolbar functions. When complete, the programmer simply clicks on the
"invent" icon (a lightbulb) and reams of notation code are automatically
generated. For the advanced programmer, this module comes with the Graphical
Library Object Parser (GLOP).
HOOPLA goes beyond merely supporting and enhancing the standare object-
oriented buzzwords. In additon to providing extensible code, HOOPLA supports
existential code, allowing programmers to write programs that are out of this
world. HOOPLA code is reusable, recyclable, refillable, and biodegradable,
meeting all future government standards for nonpolluting code.
Although object databases are relatively new, HOOPLA supports existing
standars and sets the standards for future object-oriented database development
with such robust constructs as ALIEN (Awfully Large Inclusions of Extra Nulls).
Such powerful class types require a whole new approach to information
retrieval, and HOOPLA stands up to the task with SMOKE (Single/Multiple Object
Kwery and Extraction) and MIRROR (Massively Inefficient Random Retrieval of
Object Resources).
HOOPLA is slated to sell for $895. During the introductory period,
however, HOOPLA will be available as a competitive upgrade for $6.95 if the
title page from any Nancy Drew mystery is included with the order. A HOOPLA
representative said, "It is appropriate. We want to take the mystery out of
object-oriented programming."
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Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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