The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
Mars Joke
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Rawzwell, Ares Vallis, July 4, (United Martian Press)
RANCHER REPORTS FLYING SAUCER CRASHES IN ARES VALLIS
In what is being billed as perhaps the most convincing evidence yet that extramartianial life does indeed exist, we have today learned of a report by a rancher in Ares Vallis that he came upon the wreckage of a flying saucer that appears to have crashed yesterday on a lonely outpost of his ranch.
Rancher Macks Brassel says that he and his wife were enjoying a romantic walk in the rocks when they saw what he describes as "this gigantic baggie" falling out of the sky. When he went to investigate, he found "a bunch of bubble wrap, pieces of cloth, sticks with strange markings on them, and this little alien that freaked out when we approached. He looked like he kept trying to get away, but he seemed to be stuck. We didn't want to upset him any further, so we left him there and went back to the ranch house to call the authorities."
He described the alien as a small, flat, silvery creature that seemed to have little wheels for legs. Its head was a flat black panel. It was only a couple inches tall, but long and flat. It had very hard skin, kind of like rocks, but shiny. It appeared to be trapped in some of the bubble wrap and was beeping a lot, like it was hurt, Brassel says.
After being alerted, the 509th Martian Army headquarters immediately issued a press release stating that the debris was simply a weather balloon that crashed, there was nothing for us to get upset about, and if any Martian thought this was evidence of visitation from another planet or something like that, well, that would be really, really silly.
Nonetheless, this reporter noticed the base commander seeming to border on becoming hysterical when we tried to question him. Plus, we overheard him say on the phone to the President, "weather balloon, yeah, that'll work, yeah, that's the ticket." We saw highly unusual activity throughout the entire Army base, and heard reports that a special recovery team would soon be sent out to the ranch to recover the "weather balloon" (yeah, right) debris.
"This was no weather balloon", Brassel insists, "I know what a weather balloon looks like and this was made of stuff I've never seen anyplace else on Mars."
Brassel has been ordered to report to the government's Attitude Adjustment Center later this afternoon. He promised to give us further details when he is released, which is expected to be in a couple of weeks.
We will keep you posted as further news breaks in this exciting story.
Focks Smolder
Reporter
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