The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
Cowboy Wisdom
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AMERICAN COWBOY SAYINGS
>From "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On! -- A Cowboy's Guide to Life" by Texas Bix Bender.
(2) Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
(7) After weeks of beans and taters, even a change to taters and beans is good.
(9) Never take to sawin' on the branch that's supportin' you, unless you're bein' hung from it.
(11) After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
(12) If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
(13) The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
(16) It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
(19) The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
(21) Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
(23) Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
(24) If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
(26) Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much.
(27) A man with an edgy smile is like a dog with a waggin' tail: he not happy, he's nervous.
(29) Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
(30) Always drink upstream from the herd.
(32) Tellin' a man to go to hell and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.
(35) The best way to cook any part of a rangy ol' longhorn is to toss it in a pot with a horseshoe, and when the horseshoe is soft and tender,
you can eat the beef.
(37) Generally speaking, fancy titles and nightshirts are a waste of time.
(38) Never drop you gun to hug a grizzly.
(43) No matter where you ride to, that's where you are.
(44) If you're gonna go, go like hell. If you mind's not made up, don't use you spurs.
(45) If you're sittin' at a counter eatin', leave your hat on. If you're sittin' at a table take it off.
(46) A body can pretend to care, but they can't pretend to be there.
(49) A lot of good luck is undeserved, but then so is a lot of bad luck.
(56) There's two theories to arguin' with women. Neither one works.
(57) If you're gonna drive cattle through town, do it on Sunday. There's little traffic and people are more prayerful and less disposed to cuss at you.
(59) Don't get mad at somebody who knows more 'n you do. It ain't their fault.
(66) When you're tryin' somethin' new, the fewer people who know about it, the better.
(70) Only a buzzard feeds on his friends.
(71) Control your generosity when you're dealin' with a chronic borrower.
(72) Don't squat with yer spurs on!
(74) Speak your mind, but ride a fast horse.
(75) Too much debt doubles the weight on your horse and puts another in control of the reins.
(80) Go after life as if it's something that's got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away.
(81) Workin' behind a plow, all you see is a mule's hind end. Workin' from the back of a horse you can see across the country as far as your eye is good.
(84) The only way to drive cattle fast is slowly.
(85) The basics of roping are a sense of rhythm, good timing, and an eye for distance. You might also wanta keep this in mind when you're two-steppin' around the dance floor.
(89) Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
(91) A person who agrees with all your palaver is either a fool or he's gettin' ready to skin ya.
(93) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
(96) Never miss a good chance to shut up.
(97) If you drink tequila, don't dive off the sidewalk. Most generally the water is too low, and in nine out of ten towns, there is at least a $50 fine for it.
(100) Nobody ever drowned himself in his own sweat.
(101) No tree is too big for a short dog to lift his leg on.
(102) You don't need decorated words to make your meanin' clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathin'.
(105) Never lie unless you have to, and if you don't have a damn good lie, stick to the truth.
(108) Honesty is not somethin' you should flirt with -- you should be married to it.
(109) Wet dogs are never welcome.
(115) When you're pickin' a workin' horse, look for one named Screwtail, Stump Sucker, Pat's Ass, Pearly Gates, Liver Pill, or Darlin' Jill. Leave the Champions and Silvers for the show ring.
(117) Never take another man's bet. He wouldn't offer it if he didn't know somethin' you don't.
(118) Any time a large herd moves through a civilized area there's a lot of shit to clean up.
(121) Never get up before breakfast. If you have to get up before breakfast, eat breakfast first.
(124) Never joke with mules or cooks as they have no sense of humor.
(127) It's best to keep your troubles pretty much to yourself, 'cause half the people you'd tell 'em to won't give a damn, and the other half will be glad to hear you've got 'em.
(135) The length of a conversation don't tell nothin' about the size of the intellect.
(137) A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.
(138) The wildest critters live in the city.
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Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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