The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
SIMPLE GLOSSARY OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY
DISK-SPACE: in the back of your computer is a small plastic pouch that fills with air whenever you turn your machine on. Anything you type on the screen is pumped into the plastic envelope. If you type too much, the envelope bursts open and oxygenates your hard drive.
MEMORY: two small antennae are wedged somewhere inside your keyboard. These antennae constantly sift obscure bandwidths until they establish a connection with a post office (a different post office is designated each day by the Internet to ensure security). There are two kinds of memory: virtual memory and magnetic memory. Virtual memory refers to numbers in your hard-drive that aren't really there at all. Magnetic memory refers to the spools of chromium-oxide tape that store phone numbers.
RAM: an acronym for "Regulated Automatic Mediator." This is a device, shaped somewhat like a tuning fork, that helps align a computer's internal gyroscopes.
DISK-DRIVE: This is a small capsule that emits ultrasound. The resultant harmonics within the hard-drive help create a tolerable atmosphere for the alphanumerics floating inside the memory.
MODEM: a modem is a gelatin-based protein derivative that fuels the hard-drive. It can be purchased via Home Shopping Network and injected directly into the machine through its air vents.
INTERNET: an AM radio station that computers tune into every Thursday morning at 9:00 AM, Eastern Time, to re-establish the harmonic flexibility of their CPUs. Humans can, of course, listen to the Internet as well, but all that can be heard is a shrill, whining noise.
E-MAIL: a piece of mail that becomes saturated by modem fluid. The United States Postal Service, refusing to handle such contaminated packages, insists that they be exposed to electric current and left to their own devices. The presence of an ambient electrical field causes pieces of e-mail to levitate. They sometimes uplink with the Internet and drift north. For this reason, it is believed that the Internet broadcast tower is located somewhere in Canada or Greenland.
DOWNLOAD: the act of deleting a large number of active files by exposing them to concentrated Internet rays. This process can only be carried out with official authorization, and presents severe hazards to household electrical systems.
TELNET: large conceptual sculpture constructed in Europe and since incorporated into a traveling exhibit. The Telnet emits a low-frequency electromagnetic field that polarizes all CPUs in its vicinity, resulting in intense binary activity.
GOPHERSPACE: disease-ridden software underworld in Toronto.
SEARCH-ENGINE: a gasoline-powered hard drive that separates numbers through the application of centrifugal force. These can be purchased through black-market dealers stationed in Gopherspace.
This page is maintained by: mark@thecoffeeplace.com
Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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