The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
A couple of mangy small-town dogs wandered into the big city for the first time. As they roamed the streets, they came across a parking meter. "Look at that," one said to the other, "a pay toilet!"
-----
When the golfer shanked his first tee shot into the woods, his partner muttered, "That's a lost ball."
"No way," responded the errant shooter. "That's a special ball you can't lose. First it makes a beeping sound, and if you still can't find it, it emits puffs of smoke. If it lands in water," he continued, "it sends out a stream of bubbles, but if it's too deep to reach, a floatation device brings it to the surface. It's impossible to lose."
"That's amazing," his partner said. "Where can I get one?"
"I don't really know."
Puzzled, his friend asked, "Well, where did you get yours?"
"I found it."
---------
A husband was distraught when he caught his wife in bed with another man. In desperation, he sought advice from his rabbi, who counseled forgiveness. "After all," the cleric said, "a man cannot be held responsible for his actions below the waist."
At that, the furious man kicked the rabbi in the shin.
--------
An African aboriginal chief was flown to London by a local scientific society and met at the airport by a flock of curious reporters. One asked, "Did you have a comfortable flight?"
After making a series of squeaks, shrieks, and gurgles, the chief replied in perfect English, "Yes, thank you very much."
"How long do you plan to stay?" he was asked.
"Tweeeet, squeak, eeeuuuu," he began. "I think about three weeks."
Baffled, the reporter asked, "Where did you learn to speak English?"
"Shhhh, tweet, waaiiii. Short-wave radio."
---------
As the highway patrolman approached the accident site, he found that the entire driver's side of the BMW had been ripped away, taking with it the driver's arm.
The injured Yuppie, obviously in shock, kept moaning, "My car, my car," as the officer tried to comfort him.
"Sir," the patrolman said gently, "I think we should be more concerned about your arm than your car."
The driver looked down to where his arm should have been, then screamed, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
--------
Why did New York police take the 911 emergency number off the back of their squad cars? Because thieves kept stealing them, thinking they were Porsches.
---------
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Although the insurance company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
When he was wheeled into the insurance company office to collect his check, Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes--where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle!"
---------
A proctologist prepared his patient for examination, then buzzed the nurse and asked her to bring him a light. A moment later, she came into the room and handed him a beer.
"No, Miss Collins," the doctor hissed. "A *BUTT* light."
---------
Father Casey called in sick one Sunday morning so he could play golf. On the first tee, he sliced his drive deep into the woods. As he approached the ball, a bluebird picked it up, flew 300 yards down the
fairway and dropped it into the hole.
An angel, watching from above, was puzzled.
"The priest is playing hooky from church," he said to the Lord. "Why the reward?"
"Reward? Are you kidding?" the Lord replied, chuckling, "Whom can he tell?"
---------
The furious general called his military and household staffs together and barked that if his wife's stolen jewelry wasn't returned in 24 hours, the whole lot of them would be courtmartialed.
Hours of investigation proved fruitless. The desperate staff members finally picked up a drunk loitering outside the general's quarters and demanded that he tell them where the jewels were. When he denied knowing anything, they lowered him headfirst into a well. Pulling him up, they asked him again. The gasping drunk waved no. Again they lowered him into the water, leaving him in longer this time.
"For the last time," an aide demanded as they pulled the fellow up for air, "where are the jewels?"
Coughing and sputtering, the drunk replied, "You guys better find yourselves another diver, 'cause I can't find anything."
---------
As he deplaned from Air Force One, President Bush stumbled, fell down the steps, his his head and went into a coma from which he did not awaken for three and a half years.
"Where am I?" he asked when he finally regained consciousness.
"You're in the hospital, Mr. President," a nurse responded. "You've been unconscious for more than three years."
"Oh, my God!" Bush cried. "How has Quayle done?"
"Oh, fine," the nurse reassured him. "We have peace and prosperity--even the mail comes on time."
"Hmmm. Tell me, how much does it cost to mail a letter these days?"
"A hundred yen."
---------
During a heated World War Two battle, three GIs were captured by the Germans and held under guard in a farmhouse. After several days of detention, the three planned an escape. Breaking a board in the rear of the building, they waited for the sentry to pass. When he did, the sergeant squeezed out, ran across a field and dived into some bushes. The sentry heard a rustle, turned around and shouted, "Who goes?"
The sergeant thought for a moment, then replied, "Meow."
"Ah," the sentry murmured, "only za cat."
The two remaining Americans waited for the sentry to pass again. As soon as he did, the corporal dived for the bushes. Hearing the rustle again, the sentry yelled, "Who goes?"
"Meow," came the reply.
"Ah, only za cat," the sentry said, resuming his march.
Finally, the private made a run for it and dived into the bushes. "Who goes?" demanded the sentry.
The private thought, then confidently replied, "Za cat."
---------
Three little boys were bragging about their fathers. One said, "My dad's so fast he can shoot an arrow from his bow and get to the target before the arrow does."
"That's nothing," the second boy said. "My dad's so fast he can shoot a deer at five hundred yards and get to the deer before it falls."
"So big deal," the third said. "My dad works for the Government and gets off work at four-thirty, but he's so fast he gets home by three forty-five."
----------
"Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've got one suit I can't sell--that purple, green and yellow number over there. If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for life."
Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
"My God, what happened to you?"
"I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile on his bloodied lips.
"Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "Did the customer put up a fight?"
"Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was quite upset!"
-----------
As the woman was instructing the new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects, she pointed to the dining room and said with obvious satisfaction, "That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth!"
"Oh, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My whole living- room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth."
-----------
A team of detectives arrived at the business executive's New York penthouse apartment and were admitted by a butler.
"Mr. James," one told the businessman, "we have some good news and some bad news about your missing wife."
"You'd better give me the bad news first."
"We found her floating face down in the East River this afternoon with eight large lobsters clinging to her body."
"Oh, poor Sandra," the man sighed. "What's the good news?"
"We're sending her back out in the morning."
---------
A New Jersey suburbanite had just motored through the Lincoln Tunnel into Manhattan when a hooker approached him and said, "I'll do anything you want--your wildest fantasies--for $100. But you have to tell me in three words."
The guy thought for a moment and replied, "Ok. Paint my house."
-------
Question: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
Answer: To get to the same side.
(Now how-come you havn't heard that joke befor?)
This page is maintained by: mark@thecoffeeplace.com
Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
Return to The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
