The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
COMPANY SAFETY...
Employee Joseph Grosshawk, the driver of a company vehicle, was parked on a downward slope in Massapequa. He had a passenger, Mr. Milker, his supervisor. Both were wearing hardhats in accordance with company regulations. Grosshawk glanced to the right to check around his vehicle before starting off, and accidentally hit his supervisor in the mouth with the beak of his hardhat, knocking out his false teeth. The teeth struck the handbrake, releasing it and came to rest behind the foot brake pedal. As the vehicle started to move down the slope, Mr. Milker reached behind the brake pedal to retrieve his dentures. Grosshawk at this moment stamped fiercely down on the brake pedal. The supervisor received a severe gash on his right hand, and sustained three broken fingers. Although Grosshawk had acted promptly in his effort to bring the vehicle to an immediate stop, the cry of agony from his supervisor caused him to momentarily release his foot from the brake.
On its further down hill movement, and before Grosshawk could ultimately arrest its progress, the vehicle struck a cable splicer, Gordon Witherspoon, who was standing over a manhole with a ladle of molten lead. The molten lead spilled into the manhole onto the private parts of another cable splicer, Giovanni Lascagnia, who was urinating into a pair of boots.
The sudden application of molten lead to Lascagnia's private parts caused the latter to lose his aim and a stream of chianti-saturated urine fell onto the exposed splice, burning through the paper insulation and shorting out 490 pairs of the cable. Unfortunately, 480 pairs were LILCO's alarm and telemetry circuits.
This apparently indicated a catastrophic overload at the control center, causing the Northeast Power Grid to shut down.
The switch to emergency power at the Hempstead C. O. introduced sufficient transients into the SAGE system for NORAD to interpret this as a massive attack from Russia. NORAD immediately launched an equally massive counter-attack. In the ensuing conflict, the Hoggs Lane and Highway 401 bridges were destroyed by a direct hit on the Jolly Roger's men's toilet. During this time, Grosshawk drove Mr. Milker and Lascagnia to a hospital and then attempted to return to his Work Center Headquarters, but found both bridges missing. It then being 5:00 PM, he (on his own initiative) drove the company vehicle home.
Nothing having been seen of the other cable splicer, Witherspoon, for three days, a search was instituted, and he was subsequently found in the manhole where he had conscientiously jumped to repair the cable. It appears that Grosshawk, in accordance with company regulations, had replaced the manhole cover. When Witherspoon attempted to remove the cover he found that an Army tank had parked on the manhole during the troop movements. He was taken to the hospital, suffering from asphyxia, having been exposed to Lascagnia's salami and garlic lunch and two urine filled boots for three days. The accident Investigation Board reviewed the facts and awarded Grosshawk one days suspension for taking the company vehicle home without permission. It commended Witherspoon for his noble attempt to repair the cable. The committee observed the whole affair could have been avoided if Mr. Milker had used stronger denture adhesive. .
... Go straight to the docs. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200!
... I played poker with a tarot deck...got a royal flush...5 people died.
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Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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