The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
Adams's First Computer Dictionary
Advanced, adj: doesn't work yet, but getting close. See: bug, glitch.
Analyst, n: one who writes programs and doesn't trust them. See: cynic.
Assembler, n: a minor program of interest only to obsessed programmers.
BASIC, n: an overly simplistic computer language for oxymorons.
BBS, n: system for exchanging uniformed speculation under false names.
Benchmark, n: a test written by manufacturers to misinterpret and provide out of context specifications.
Binary, n: a two-valued logic especially susceptible to glitches and bugs. It originated as a way of counting with thumbs, since program- mers find fingers too confusing. See: Hexadecimal, Octal.
Bug, n: any program feature. See: Documentation.
Bus, n: a multi-pin connector designed to induce hardware glitches.
Byte, n: eight bits, or two Nybles, or one-half word.
C, n: a computer language following A and B. See: Futility.
COBOL, n: an archaic computer language rediscovered every three years.
Code, n: a means of concealing bugs.
v: the process of concealing bugs.
Cookie, n: any idiotic one-liner appended to e-mail correspondence.
CPU, n: Central Purging Unit. A device which discards or distorts data.
Crash, v: to terminate a program in the usual fashion.
n: the process of program termination.
Data, n: raw information supplied to the central purging unit.
Data Base, n: fast filing systems giving misleading answers. See: Menu, Bug.
Diagnostic, n: a test believed to determine the reason for system failure, less reliable than Ouiji or phrenology.
Digital, adj: of or pertaining to the fingers, esp. to counting on them.
Documentation a fictionalized novel often sold with software.
DOS, n: See: Bug.
Emulate, v: to simulate hardware glitches with software bugs.
Emulator, n: a program which emulates. See: Virtual.
Feature, n: a bug with seniority.
Format, v: to erase irrevocably and unintentionally.
n: the process of such erasure.
Forth, n: a stack-oriented programming language written right to left, and read from bottom to top, which serves no known purpose.
FORTRAN, n: an ancient programming language which changed IF's to GOTO's.
GIF, n: a means of transporting pornographic representations.
Glitch, n: any undocumented design feature.
GOTO, n: an efficient and general way of controlling a program, despised by academics and others overexposed to Pascal.
Hard Disk, n: a rapidly spinning platter divided into sectors. See: Glitch
Hardware, n: anything prone to physical failure.
Hexadecimal, n: base-16 numbers - using four fingers and the thumb to carry. See: Octal, Binary.
Icon, n: an and easily misinterpreted pictorial representation of a simple unambigious word. Preferred by computer illiterates.
Increment, v: to increase by one, except when segments are used.
Iterate, v: to repeat an action for an infinite number of times.
Joystick, n: a device essential to effective computer operation; e.g. tank commanders, pilots, and medieval warlords.
Kilo, n: 1. a binary thousand, which isn't a decimal thousand or even really a binary thousand, confusing enough to be a standard.
2. what every REAL programmer keeps in his bottom drawer.
Kernal, n: a common misspelling of 'kernel'. See: Popcorn.
Kernel, n: a common misspelling of 'kernal'. See: Popcorn.
Keyboard, n: a device used by programmers to write software for a mouse or joysticks.
Kludge, v: to fix a program in the usual way.
adj: to fix a program in the usual way.
n: to fix a program in the usual way.
Language, n: a programmer's shorthand for creating bugs.
Leading Edge, anything using advanced technology. See: Advanced.
License, n: a covenant informing the buyer he has purchased nothing.
Logic, n: an binary system for determining truth tables.
Loop, n, v: 1. a series of instructions to be iterated.
2. the process of iterating them.
Macro, n: a subroutine simulating missing, essential, commands.
Megabyte, n: the effect RAM acquisition has on your bank account.
Menu, n: a list of choices which are unsatisfactory or contradictory.
Micro-, n: anything very small and very expensive.
Mode, n: a way of forcing glitch or bug.
Modem, n., v: a data device used by those incapable of speech.
Monitor, n: an overpriced television set.
Motherboard, the hardware version of a 'kernel.'
Mouse, n: an input device used to play games.
Octal, n: base-8 counting system designed so that one hand may count upon the fingers of the other. Thumbs are not used, the index finger is reserved for 'carry.'
Operator, n: 1. One who has extensive experience with computers.
2. Any beginner.
Pascal, n: the computer equivalent of Syphilis.
Patch, v: See: Code.
Popcorn, v: One of the five major food groups.
Portable, adj: the myth which sells "C".
Printer, n: a small, noisy, box attached to a computer.
Procedure, n: an inefficient substitute for GOTO.
Program, n: the means of perpetuating bugs.
Programmer, n: 1. one who writes programs and trusts them. An optimist.
2. Any employee who needs neither food nor sleep but exists on large quantities of nicotine and popcorn.
Prompt, n: computer request for random operator error.
Quantum leap See: Advanced.
Recursion, n: a functional computer memory test. See: Recursion.
Register, n: a part of the central purging unit used for losing data.
Segment, n: a way of complicating access to memory.
Software, n: anything other than hardware.
Source Code, n: a record that a programmer's was stoned while coding.
Spreadsheet, n: a way of forcing repeatable answers from insufficient data for superficial purposes.
TSR, n: a procedure intended to cause major glitches.
Turbo-, n. an effective sales gimmick.
UNIX, n., v: a DOS requiring more memory than available to cause a computer run more slowly than humanly bearable.
Vendor, n: a manufacturer's lackey.
Virtual, adj: emulated. See: Emulate.
Warranty, n: See: License.
Windows, n., the art of turning a Pentium into an Etch-a-Sketch.
* Cynic, n: A realistic optimist.
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Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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