The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
MUSICIAN JOKES -- In Score Order
Q. How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two flutes in unison.
Q. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A. Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
Q. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bassoon recital.
Q. Why do clarinettists leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q. What's the definition of a nerd?
A. Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
A. You can tune a lawn mower, and the owner's neighbors will be upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. A man who brings a soprano sax to a gig and refuses to play it.
Q. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to do it, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune tenor sax player. Meeting the other two means you're hallucinating.
Q. What's the difference between a chainsaw and a bari sax?
A. Vibrato.
Q. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
Q. How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A. Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead rap singer in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the range of a tuba?
A. About twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A drummer.
Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They have machines that do that now.
Q. What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?
A. "Would you like some fries with that, sir?"
Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A harpist tuning unison strings.
Q. Why are a violinist's fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same place twice.
Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.
Q. Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A. They are both offensive and inaccurate.
Q. What do violinists use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A. Sit in the back and don't play.
Q. How do you know if a viola section is at your door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A. The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q. Why are violins smaller than violas?
A. They're not. Violinists' heads are just bigger.
Q. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A. The coffin has the corpse inside.
Q. Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A. So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Q. Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A. The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
Q. How can you tell if a bass player is really bad?
A. Even the section notices.
Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
Q. How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A. She just holds it in the socket and the world revolves around her.
Q. What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
A. You can negotiate with the PLO.
Q. What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A. The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
Q. If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
A. It would be a good idea.
Q. What do you call half a dozen dead basses?
A. Deep six.
Q. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
Q. If you needed a heart transplant, why would you want one from a conductor?
A. Because it's had so little use.
Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him a sheet of music.
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
This page is maintained by: mark@thecoffeeplace.com
Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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