The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
If you have ever used Lard in Bed.
If you own more than three shirts with cutoff sleeves.
If you have ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
If you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
If someone asks to see your I.D. and you show them your belt buckle.
If your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the State Patrolman to "Kiss Her Ass".
If the primary color of your car is "Bondo".
If the directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road".
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
If you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
If you ever lost a tooth opening a Beer bottle.
If Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
If your wife's Hairdo has ever ben ruined by a ceiling fan.
If you see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
If you have a rag for a gas cap.
If the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
If you use a "Hefty BAg" as the passenger side window of your car.
If you have ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
If you ever had to scratch your sister's name out of the message "For A Good Time Call....."
If your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
If Redman Chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
If your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
If you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
If your wife has a bigger beer belly than you and you find it attractive.
If you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
If your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
If your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
If you call your boss "dude".
If you think "Volvo" is part of a woman's anatomy.
If you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it in Michigan City.
If you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
If you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the house of Tattoos.
If your father encourages you to quit school because there is an opening on the lube rack.
If you need to get an estimate from the barber or the dentist.
If your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
If your family tree doesn't branch.
If going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.
If you remember 5th grade as your Senior Year.
If your Front Porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.
If there's a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house.
If the crack in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been there for over a year.
If your bicyle has a gun rack.
If you've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.
If you go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
If your Junior-Senior prom had a day care center.
You might be a Redneck if...
...your family tree does not fork.
...your richest relative calls you over to help take the wheels off his new house.
...your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her mouth while telling the state trooper to "kiss her butt".
...you spent you family's grocery money because you just had to have a set of those Yosemite Sam mudflaps for your pickup truck.
...you've ever used lard in bed.
...you think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.
...there is a stuffed possum mounted in your home.
...you consider a six-pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
...less than half the cars that you own run.
...the primary color of your car is "bondo".
...directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
...you honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
...your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan at least once.
...you've ever yelled "rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
...your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
...you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
...you've refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for Best Picture.
...you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
...you consider Outdoor Life deep reading.
...your mother keeps a spittoon on the ironing board.
...you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
...you think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups.
...you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
...you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
...you think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
...you've ever been too drunk to fish.
...you use a rag as a gas cap.
...you had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
...your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand.
...after making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window.
...your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
...you own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds.
...your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
...Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People".
...you've ever been to a funeral where there are more pick-up trucks than cars.
...your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard.
...you have a Hefty bag for the passenger-side window of your car.
...you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
...your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
...you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
...Your idea of fiscal responsibility is having enough money to keep beer in the fridge and gas in the truck.
...you think BMW are the call letters of a radio station.
...you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
...you have more than three shirts with cut off sleeves.
...you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
...if your front porch collapsed, it would kill more than three dogs.
...your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
...you consider yourself to have a personalized license plate, as your father made it for you in prison.
...you think 'Volvo' is part of a woman's anatomy.
...when asked for I.D., you show your belt buckle.
...your father persuades you to quit school, as there's a job opening at the Jiffy Lube.
...you've broken more than one tooth trying to open a bottle of beer.
...you need only one more hole punched in your card for a free tattoo.
...you've spent more on your pickup than your education.
...you agree with the idea of "gun control", because you think you shoot better when you hold the gun with two hands rather than one.
...you have same number of vehicles and dogs, and the vehicles are older than the dogs.
This page is maintained by: mark@thecoffeeplace.com
Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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