The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
AETS (ehtz)
n. Greek symbols on water fountain handles.
AGONOSIS (ag uh no' sis)
n. The syndrome of tuning into "Wide World of Sports" every Saturday just to watch the skier rack himself.
AIRDIRT (ayr' dirt)
n. A hanging plant that's been ignored for three weeks or more.
ALPOPUCK (al' po puck)
n. Any empty dish pushed around the kitchen floor by a dog trying to get the last morsel.
ANCHORITY (an chor' ih tee)
n. A group's final, hard-fought decision on what toppings to order on a pizza.
ARG (AUDIO RETINAL GYRATION) (ay ahr gee)
v. To move the head in a circular fashion while attempting to read a rotating record label.
B+ STAMPEDE (bee' plus stam peed)
n. The attempt by half the classroom to claim the paper with no name on it.
BACKSPACKLE (bak' spak uhl)
n. Markings on the back of one's shirt from riding a fenderless bicycle.
BACKSPUBBLE (bak' suph bul)
n. Dishwater that disappears down one drain of a double sink and comes up the other.
BALDAGE (bald' aj)
n. The accumulation of hair in the drain after showering.
BANECTOMY (bah nek' to mee)
n. The removal of bruises on a banana.
BARGUS (bar' jus)
n. The area on the windshield that the wipers can't reach.
BAZOOKACIDAL TENDENCIES (bah zew' kuh sy dal ten' den seez)
n. The overwhelming desire of most individuals to reach out and pop the gigantic gum bubble billowing from someone's mouth.
BEAVO (bee' vo)
n. A pencil with teeth marks all over it.
BIMP (bimp)
n. A blurry or "double-edged" felt-tip marker.
BIXPLEX (biks' pleks)
n. Psychological block in which a person cannot choose which colour of disposable lighter to purchase.
BIZOOS (bih zews')
n. The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball.
BLINDELIZE (blin' dul eyes)
v. To scratch an album beyond recognition trying to maneuver it over the record spindle.
BLITHWAPPING (blith' wap ing)
v. Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
BLIVETT (blih' vit)
v. To run one's pillow over and over, looking for the cool spot.
BLOOAGE (blew' ij)
n. The residue left on fingers after using an S.O.S. pad.
BLOTCH (blahch)
v. To slap the bottom a a catsup bottle with increasing intensity, ultimately resulting in BLOTCHSLIDE.
BLURFLE (bler' ful)
v. To be caught talking at the top of one's lungs when the music at the bar or disco suddenly stops.
BOBBLOGESTURE (bah blo jes' cher)
n. The classroom activity of not knowing an answer but raising one's hand anyway (after determining a sufficient number of other people have also raised their hands, thus reducing the likelihood of actually being called on).
BOMCA (bahm' ka)
n. A lubricant derived from the salivary gland used for turning book pages.
Dingleberries: (Ding 'el Berys) n. The little balls of poop that hang on your anal hair.
BOMCA (bahm' ka)
n. A lubricant derived from the salivary gland used for turni book pages.
BOSLUM (bahz' lum)
n. The small metal ring on a ballpoint pen that separates the top half (MELANEXUS) from the bottom half (MOOSTERUS).
BOVILEXIA (bo vil eks' e uh)
n. The uncontrollable urge to lean out of the car window and yell "Moo!!" every time you pass a cow.
BOWLIKINETICS (boh lih kih neh' tiks)
n. The act of trying to control a released bowling ball by twisting one's body in the direction one wants it to go.
BRATTLED (brat' uld)
adj. The unsettling feeling, at a stoplight, that the busload of kids that just pulled up beside you is making fun of you.
BRAZEL (brah' zel)
n. The scratch plate on a matchbook
BRIMPLET (brim' plit)
n. A frayed shoelace that must be moistened to pass through a shoe eyelet.
BUBBLIC (buh' blik)
adj. Addicted to the systematic popping of the bubbles in packing material.
BUCKLINT (buck' lint)
n. The fine red and blue threads running through new dollar bills.
BUCULETS (buk' u lets)
n. The bumper guards on the underside of a toilet seats.
BUGPEDAL (bug' ped uhl)
v. To accelerate or decelerate rapidly in an attempt to remove a clinging insect from a cars windshield.
BUMPERGLINTS (bump' ur glintz)
n. The small reflective obstacles in the middle of interstate highways which supposedly keep drivers awake and on the track.
BURBULATION (ber byu lay' shun)
n. The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the little automatic light comes on.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side)
n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUSBLENDER (bus' blen dur)
n. The device at the front of the bus that tosses your fare around for awhile, then swallows it.
BUTTHENGE (but' henj)
n. A pile of cigarette butts occupying a parking lot space.
BUTTNICK (but' nik)
n. The crevice on an ashtray where the cigarette rests.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CABNICREEP (kab' nih kreep)
n. The structural condition in which the closing of one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
CAFFIDGET (ka fij' it)
v. To break up a Styrofoam coffee cup into several hundred pieces after consuming its contents.
CALTITUDE (kal' tih tood)
n. The height to which a cat's rear end can rise to meet the
hand stroking it.
CAREENA (ka reen' uh)
n. Any mangled or missing piece of highway guard rail.
CARPERIMETER (kar pur ihm' ih tur)
n. The zone between the wall and the end of the vacuum cleaner where dirt is "safe".
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
CATLAPSE (kat' laps)
n. The amount of time a cat sleeping on his owner's lap has to awake and prepare to hit the floor before the owner stands up.
CELLOSTATIC (sel oh stat' ik)
adj. The electrical property of cracker and cigarette wrappers that causes them to stick to your hand.
CEREOALLOCATIVE (ser e o al' o ka tuv)
adj. Describes the ability of a seasoned breakfast eater to establish a perfect cereal/banana ratio, assuring there will be at least one slice of banana left for the final spoonful of cereal.
CHAIN GANG WALK (chayn gang wok)
n. Activity observed in the footwear section of cheap department stores where the shoes are wired together "for your convenience".
CHALKTRAUMA (chawk' traw ma)
n. The body's reaction to someone running his fingernails down a chalkboard.
CHARP (charp)
n. The green, mutant patato chip found in every bag.
CHECKUARY (chek' yew air ee)
n. The 13th month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
CHEEDLE (chee' dul)
n. The residue left on one's fingertips after consuming a bag of Cheetos.
CHEERIOMAGNETIZATION (cheer ee oh mag net i zay' shun)
the tendency of the last four or five Cheerios in the bowl to cling together for survival.
CHICLEXODUS (chik ul eks' oh dus)
n. Any attempt by a gum ball to sneak out of the chute and roll past the buyer.
CHIPFAULT (chip' fawlt)
n. The stress point on a potato chip where it breaks off and stays behind in the dip.
CHOCONIVEROUS (chahk o niv' ur us)
adj. The tendency when eating a chocolate Easter bunny to bite off the head first.
CHUBBLE (chub' bul)
n. The aerobic movement combining deep-knee bends and sideward hops used when trying to fit into panty hose.
CIRCUMPOPULATE (sur kum pop' yew layt)
v. To finish off a popsicle "laterally" because the "frontal" approach causes one to gag.
COMBILOOPS (kom' bih lewps)
n. The two or three unsuccessful passes before finally opening a combination locker.
CORNICLE (kor' nih kul)
n. Breaded "washer" left on the stick after eating a corndog.
COUNTERSAURUS (kown tur sawr' us)
n. Any person who orders two pieces of cheesecake and a Tab.
CRAYOLLIA (kray oh' lee uh)
n. The area on the refrigerator where kindergarten drawing are displayed.
CRINKS (krinks)
n. Crevices and junctions where car wax gets in but doesn't get out.
CRUMBPLUMB (krum' plum)
v. To attack a cereal box in an attempt to retrieve the prize.
CUBELO (kyew' beh lo)
n. The one cube left by the person too lazy to refill the ice tray.
To help telecom-sters clarify just how humorous their postings are intended to be, here is a collection of the many faces of humor, emoticon-style. emoticon: n. a figure created with the symbols on a keyboard that is read with the head tilted to the left. Used to convey the spirit in which a line of text was typed. Tilt your head slightly to the left to read the following emoticons.
:-) Humor
:-) )-: Masking theatrical comments
:<) For those with hairy lips
:<)= For those with beards too
:/) Not funny
'-) Wink
P-) Pirate
;-) Sardonic incredulity
(@ @) You're kidding!
:-" Pursing lips
:-v Just another face (speaking) profiled from the side
:-V Shout
:-w Speak with forked tongue
:-W Shout with forked tongue
:-r Bleahhh (sticking tongue out)
:-f or :-p or :-1 or :-, smirks
<:-O Eeek!
:-* Oooops (covering mouth with hand)
:-T keeping a straight face (tight-lipped)
:-D said with a smile
:-P or :-y or :-O More versions of shouting
:-{ Count Dracula
=|:-)= Uncle Sam
7:) Reagan
:-# Censored
:~i Smoking
:~j (and smiling)
:/i No smoking
:-I It's something, but I don't know what....
:-x Kiss kiss
:-> Alternate happy face
:-( Unhappy
:-c Real unhappy
:-C Unbelieving (jaw dropped)
:-< Forlorn
:-B Drooling (or overbite)
:-| Disgusted
:-? Licking your lips
<:>== A turkey emoticon
:-) :-) :-) Loud guffaw
:-J Tongue-in-cheek comments
:*) Clowning around
:-8 Talking out both sides of your mouth
(:-) Msgs dealing with bicycle helmets
@= Warning about nuclear war
<:-) For dumb questions
o= A burning candle for flames
-= A doused candle to end a flame
OO Headlights on msg
:_) I used to be a boxer, but it really got my nose out of join
B-) Smiling and wearing glasses or sunglasses
(or a message from Batman)
8-) Same as previous; also used to denote wide-eyed look
#:-):-) done by someone with sort of matted hair
:-o "Oh, nooooooo!" (a la Mr. Bill)
#:-o Same as previous
|-( Late night messages
:^) Messages teasing people about their noses
:-{#} Messages teasing people about their braces
(:-$ Message indicating person is ill...
(:-& Message indicating person is angry...
(:-( Message indicating person is VERY sad...
(:^( Message concerning people with broken noses
(:<) Message concerning blabber mouths
:-(=) Message about people with big teeth
&:-) Message from a person with curly hair
@:-) Message from a person with wavy hair
?-( Message about people with a black eye
*:* Message about fuzzy things
*:** Message about fuzzy things with fuzzy mustaches
%-) Message about people with broken glasses
+<:-| Message from a monk/nun...
{0-) Message from cyclops...
(:-|K- Formal message.
...---... S.O.S.
@%&$%& You know what that means...
||*( Handshake offered
||*) Handshake accepted
<&&> Message concerning rubber chickens
>< >< Message about/to someone wearing argyle socks
2B|^2B Message about Shakespeare
(-_-) Secret smile
<{:-)} Message in a bottle...
<:-)<<| Message from a space rocket...
(:-... Heart-breaking message...
<<<<(:-) Message from a hat sales-man...
This page is maintained by: mark@thecoffeeplace.com
Changes were last made on 11-20-2001
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