The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
From : Douglas Aberdeen 3:632/309
Battle of the OS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Written by Doug Aberdeen aka 'Ugg' in a fit of frustration after using Windows one too many times.
In the beginning there was... nothing much. There was a lot of cold empty RAM and the vast untamed wasteland of the HDD. The users were not happy beasts for if something needed to be done the users had to tell the computer how to do it first.
God (a.k.a the Programmers) saw this and frowned. In there wisdom the Programmers created DOS. The first dawn shone through over the HDD wastes and some order was born out of the chaos. Slowly at first but with ever increasing speed DOS evolved and mutated to become a powerful addition to the armoury of the slave. Still though the users was not happy. DOS just did not LOOK good hence it seemed too difficult learn. The users often misunderstood DOS and caused DOS to wreak havoc on the now serene HDD.
Thus the Programmers again frowned (and this time also cursed the utter stupidity and ignorance of the users). In there enlightened wisdom they created Windows. Hark the users sung as a choir of angels might if they were all into computers. Here was an OS that let really stupid people use computers (or so the Programmers claimed). The computer shuddered for it could sense the trouble on the very close horizon.
Over the next few years Windows gained a following of dedicated users who had never even needed to venture into the seemingly prehistoric domain of DOS. There came the time when every computer sold to a user was already supplied with DOS and Windows, legally or not. DOS was decidedly unhappy. Windows still relied on DOS for its existence but Windows was threatening to make itself independent. Not only that but like an ungrateful child who always wants more, Windows and its followers (all those 'blahblah for Windows' creatures) gobbled up HDD land as fast as it could be won over from DOS. DOS realised it was time to take a stand and challenged Windows to a fair fight on the HDD battelfield at high Noon.
Noon came DOS quickly booted up with its optimal configuration (as lovingly adjusted by a user). DOS bristled with its weaponry such as FORMAT and the dreaded FDISK. But DOS knew it would not be an easy battle and had prepared defences such as ScanDisk. Dos also enlisted the help of its close allies such as Norton Utilities, and since Windows could be so sneaky, DOS also enlisted the help of SCAN and CLEAN to search and destroy all Windows covert attempts to destroy it.
DOS finished admiring its own armoury and was beginning to wonder where Windows was, when slowly (but not necessarily surely) Windows lumbered into view after its painfully tedious Boot up. Windows had arranged its desktop especially for the occasion and opened hostilities with a garish display colour and awesome digital sound. Windows released a frightening war cry in the voice of Clint Eastwood "Go ahead... make my day". Poor little ol' DOS was overwhelmed by this. At its best all DOS could manage was a few different colours for its dreary text screen.
But then Windows made a mistake. Its commands had outrun the pace at which things were done. As a result Windows tried to scroll back through some displayed text too far and Windows let out an involuntary cry of Homer Simpsons "D'oh". DOS took heart at this and with far superior agility and speed whipped around behind Windows and launched a counter attack. "DELTREE C:\WINDOWS" was the command. However the infamous 'Are you sure?' prompt came up and DOS was about to hit 'Y' when Windows cottoned on to what was happening and moved more quickly than it ever had in its short life to hit 'N'.
Now Windows realised this would be no walkover and unleashed a devastating display of file manoeuvring. Windows General in command of Files (otherwise known as File Manager), sent files flying into the farthest corner of the HDD. COMMAND.COM was relocated in over 1000 pieces. DOS could only watch as it was torn apart. This horrible fragmenting slowed DOS down and gave Windows the time it needed to go through the painful procedure of attempting to delete DOS and being asked 'Are you really sure?' at least 20 times for each file!
DOS was not dead yet though and it got the Medics of the computer world to work. DEFRAG was the order of the day and through some delicate surgery put DOS back together better than it had ever been. This took a long time (a long time for CSpace at any rate), but not as long as it took for Windows to delete a file. So before Windows had done any serious damage DOS launched a crippling blow: 'DEL C:\WINDOWS\WIN386.SWP'. Deprived of a fair chunk of its memory Windows froze up and was forced to reboot. However, on hitting ALT-CTRL-DEL, a blue screen appeared saying - in effect - that it was impossible that Windows should need to reboot at all, and would you be satisfied with removing the current application? Well Windows was pretty PO'd by now and just hit the reset button.
It was while waiting for Windows to rejoin the battle that DOS noticed what had appeared to be an insignificant file lying around the HDD, had grown into a large flat black monolith. What's more it was still growing and bars of Beethovens Moonlight Sonata could be faintly heard on the electronic wind of the Data Bus. The Programmers were at work again! DOS was so engrossed by this mysterious newcomer that it failed to notice Windows sneak up (it had deactivated system sounds) and quietly steal away DOS' precious 640Kb memory, leaving DOS with barely enough room to move, yet alone call up other software to aid in the battle. DOS realised it was cornered and did the only thing possible. Reboot. Though unlike Windows DOS did it quietly and without fuss.
Before windows could update its desktop DOS was back again and had an evil flash in its prompt. There was one thing WINDOWS could never do, and would die trying - play decent games. DOS called up its secret weapon... DOOM. DOOM loaded up in protected mode and with a full arsenal of Plasma rounds and rocket shells faced off against Windows. Windows vainly tried to load up all of its games at once to combat DOOM but somehow a little man on a white ski slope being gobbled up by an alien could not compete with the truly awesome graphics, sound and gameplay of DOOM. In fact all those games being run
simultaneously on Windows slowed Win down so much that the user at the time, could in fact play them all at once. Windows screamed to its Programmers - Microsoft (who had long since abandoned DOS) - for help.
The Programmers heard this cry for help and debated whether or not to comply. Rather than drag themselves away from the important task of deciding on a name for their next OS, they sent in Windows '95 to help. Windows '95 came charging onto the HDD landscape riding a 32 bit horse. '95 was approaching fast and could be seen to be weilding a 'CD-ROM and chain'. This mutlimedia attack did not phase DOS who just stuck out it's XMS memory, tripping '95s horse up and sending it and Windows '95 sprawling on the ground. Seperated from the horse '95 was helpless and crawled off home to Microsoft in disgrace.
Then, however, the black monolith lumbered into action. DOS, DOOM, and Windows watched for the full 5 minutes that it took WARP to come to life. But come to life it did. With all the GUIness of windows, and speed of DOS it pronounced itself King of the operating systems. It proved itself by taking DOOM over from DOS and turning it against another instance of DOOM. At the same time WARP tried to remove MSDOS.SYS and IO.SYS from the boot sector of the HDD, which would banish DOS and Windows to the confines of a WARP window forever (a fate worse than deletion). This was a little to much for the inexperienced WARP and it came to a grinding halt proclaiming the file SWAPPER.DAT to be full. DOS and Windows breathed a collective sigh of relief until the Monolith that was the frozen WARP, began to totter. Forward, back, forward, back then forward, more forward, a lot forward. Warp was heading for a full system crash and looked like taking DOS, Windows and the entire HDD with it; but then a deep, ooming voice spoke out "HALT"... everything stopped. "How dare you fight for the right to be called King in my presence!".
It was the Venerable but worthy ruler of all OS'. The great Unix, with son Linux on its right hand and the Holy Ghost 'C' on its left hand. Unix had observed the entire battle watching silently in the background. With a snap of its device drivers Unix sent DOS, Windows and Warp into a 20 deep subdirectory that no-one would ever find, and I mean _REALLY_ never find! Where they could complete their battle without harming CSpace. With the evils of the world now safely locked away, Unix sent Linux to take over the HDD and repair the damage done in the great battle. With the power of CSpace at its fingertips Linux happily controlled the HDD forever after...But forever after is 5 minutes in CSpace.
The users tried to make the best of this situation and seemed to be getting on well with Linux, basking in the glow of the WWW and learning more than ever before from the news groups. But then when it came to do some serious work they missed the software features that Windows and DOS had developed over the years. Linux laughed and graciously provided a host of programs to replace old DOS and Windows. Even DOOM was reincarnated in Linux form. But many these programs came in the source code of the Holy Ghost C, and pity the user who's life depends on compiling strange C source code in a hurry. At this point all the users in the world simply went on strike. Through inactivity Linux, DOS, Windows, WARP and even Unix all died slow and painful deaths (much to the glee of the users). So ends the story of how computers changed our lives and we - the users - destroyed them for it.
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AUTHORS NOTE: Ok so it gets a bit silly at the end. Obviously this is not a history of operating systems since I missed the old work horses such as CP/M - actually I am not old enough to have had experience with them :). I have used a lot of poetic license in trying to produce a slightly amusing piece of fiction about my personal experiences with various operating systems so don't take it seriously, though I hope you can relate to some of the statements.
This is also my way of making a plea for one of the Big Boys (Big Blue or MicroSoft) to produce a decent OS. By decent I mean a text interface 32 bit, protected mode OS. It should be designed to run a single app as quickly and efficiently as possible. Any background multitasking would be a bonus, and should only be implimented if it would not cause a significant slow down. A pop down file manager would be nice and also cut and paste with mouse at the DOS prompt. Perhaps the OS could provide a standard graphics interface for single programs to call on IF they desire. Also there should be a printer driver similar to windows (except not multitasking) that alows TT fonts and Fax drivers. Finally it should have NO SWAP FILE. This just encourages programs be inefficient with memory and rely swap file. If program needs a Sswap file it can make its own. Oh and one really final thing - it should be no more than 10 Mb, and must be QUICK to boot up.
-Doug Aberdeen |daa@ecr.mu.oz.au|
... Help I'm caught in a chocolate fantasy!
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Changes were last made on 12-30-2001
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