The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
The Politically Correct Story of Gretel and Hansel
Once upon a time a nuclear family lived near a lovely rain forest. Its members were Mother (Father's second spouse), Father, and two siblings; Gretel and Hansel. The family was disadvantaged, but not dysfunctional. Although Mother was not Gretel's and Hansel's birth mother, she bonded with them and taught them many important principles; such as respect for the environment, avoidance of gender stereotypes, the societal advantages of feminism, the "birth-guilt" due all white males, and the appropriate methodology of tree-hugging and family planning.
One day the family ran out of food. "What are we to do?" the father cried helplessly. "Apply for food stamps," the mother wisely counseled. "But the city is far and the bureaucracy is slow," the father whined as he dutifully washed the dishes. "Poor Gretel and Hansel may starve to death before you return." "Let us lead them deep into the forest," the mother said. "There they can dine on natural foods, and the spirit of Giai, our Earth Mother, will protect them."
Clever Hansel (Although Never As Clever As Gretel)
The family set out. But Hansel, a skeptic at heart, surreptitiously took the family's last half-loaf of bread and from time to time tore off a piece and dropped it to the ground, leaving a trail the children could follow back home in case natural foods didn't pan out. But, not wishing to foul the environment, he also took a bag in which to place the dropped pieces they would pick up on their return.
Left alone, the chldren frolicked in the woods for a time, and when they became hungry, they partook of nature's bounty. But the woods were deep and dark, and as the children's imaginations ran riot, they became frightened. Then they spotted a group of persons who, in unenlightened times, may have been "savages." Their faces were painted and they wore rudimentary unisex clothes.
Gretel and Hansel were about to flee when they realized this was only a harmless group of street people about to commune with nature. So, the children joined in, beating tom-toms, dancing primitive dances and sharing their innermost secrets as they sat cross-legged around a large bonfire. Finally tired, after a long and eventful day, they fell asleep.
When the children awoke, they were alone. Then they discovered, as they prepared to eat breakfast, nature's cupboard bare. To their great dismay, they also discovered that their trail had vanished: several endangered species of animals had gratefully eaten all the pieces of bread. Now the children wandered dejectedly for some time until they espied a marvelous sight: a clearing in which stood a sugar-free, all-natural biodegradable gingerbread house, each serving contained 100 percent of the recommemded daily allowance of vitamins and minerals. Famished Gretel and Hansel nibbled happily away.
A Morally and Visage Challenged Senior Citizen
But, they failed to notice the approach of morally and visage challenged senior citizen (formerly "Wicked Old Witch"). "Who's been recycling on my house?", she demanded. Although the children had been taught to judge a person for his or her qualities of character and not for his or her physical appearance, they could not help but be alarmed when the senior citizen grabbed and dragged them inside the house. Slamming Hansel into a cage, she ordered Gretel to fire up the oven. "Cooking is man's work," Gretel responded, "and as I do not know how to do so I fear atmospheric pollution may result."
Now the senior was basically a decent and kind person, but an abusive childhood, male dominance, sexist maltreatment, and the depletion of the ozone layer had altered her consciousness, personhood, and world views,
turning her to the meatist practice of homospecieist ingestion, (formerly "Cannibalism"). Gretel sensed this and attempted to reason with her: "We understand your pain and suffering, but please consider that violence is never an answer, a good therapist can help you begin the healing process, and plastic surgeons are doing wonders these days."
This fell on aurally-challenged ears, and Gretel become panicky when the senior citizen approached Hansel with a butcher's knife (Note: now banned, this sharpened metal bar was formerly used to dismember billions of lesser Earth creatures (formerly "Animals") during the Hooflocaust. Grabbing a frying pan (a metal cooking implement now used for heating Tofu) Gretel reflexedly defended her cringing male sibling, bashing the senior citizen on the head. (Of course Gretel apologized afterwards for the exceptionally rude display of bad manners)
Gretel quickly applied an herbal healing poultice to the senior citizen's pate, and ordered Hansel to make up a vegetarian soup to help the senior citizen regain strength. Upon regaining consciousness some long-repressed
memories of pleasant childhood experiences flashed into the senior citizen's mind. She lay transfixed and then muttered: "Oh my. What am I doing? You poor young people have done me no harm. Let us leave together. I shall share my Social Security cheque with your family and shall seek out a good analyst at the local health commune."
So, arm in arm back, they walked back to Gretel's and Hansel's house, where the elder person became a part of their extended family, and they all lived happily, in harmony with the environment, forever after.
- The End -
Coming soon to your local terminal (if and when I feel like it);
1. "The Pied Piper of Hamlim"
The sordid tale of a sociopathic and raticidal musician white-male-oppressor who engaged in extortion and young personnapping.
2. "Peter, Peter, Pumpkineater"
The story of a misogynistic white-male-oppressor spousal abuser who insidiously confined his mate inside a recycling vegetable in order to avoid support payments.
3. "Cinderperson"
The true and inspiring saga of three ardent feminists who selflessly strove to save a dysfunctional semi-sister from a digusting life of heterosexual domination and abuse. Thrill as these visage challenged lesbian pioneers struggle to undo the evil influences of a renegade alternate-lifestyle X-bearer bent on delivering poor Cinderperson to the vile, foul clutches of a young reactionary-white-male-oppressor-misogynist bent on on reducing her to a life of licensed prostitution, and as a breedperson.
4. "The Lion Queen"
The epic of the true leader of the jungle's valiant effort to regain her rightful place as the leadperson of lesser earth creatures while thwarted at every turn by male-oppressors.
5. "Jack And The Beanstalk"
The true story of a white male oppressor who burgles an elongatedly challenged minority and attempts to cut down an oxygen generator. The beanstalk is saved through the combined efforts of Greenpeace, Sierra Club and Friends of the Earth members chaining themselves to its ver-dant stem as the American Civil Liberties Union convinces the Supreme Court it belongs on the endangered species list.
6. "Snow White And The Seven Vertically-Challenged Persons"
The tale of a dysfunctional and racist renegade who repudiates her feminist birthright and revels salaciously with seven vertically-challenged earth-abusers before mistakenly debasing herself with a pseudo-necrophiliac reactionary-white-male-oppressor.
* LeForge: "We've secretly replaced our Dilithium with Folger's crystals."
* Origin: United States Department of Redundancy (1:2201/38)
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Changes were last made on 05-05-2002
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