The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
You sent for me, sir?
Yes, Bungle, yes. Come in, take a seat. As you know, it is difficult to compete in the current software marketplace. We have to run a lean and efficient company just to be competitive. This is often complicated by burdens placed on the company from outside.
I don't quite follow you, sir.
I won't beat about the bush, Bungle. I've spent all morning meeting with our legal people and they say in order to reduce the risks of future lawsuits the company needs to conform more closely with President Rodham's "Politically Correct Guide to Removing Creativity and Productivity from the Workplace". They suggested that we establish some behavioral guidelines and counsel some of our employees about their behavior.
How does this involve me?
Frankly, Bungle, they are concerned about the behavior of the programmers on your team.
I don't understand. I've made sure all the members of my team have been to every required sexual harassment seminar. I've made sure my programmers do not tell naughty jokes, comment on any female employee's clothing, ask female employees on for phone numbers or dates, or hold doors for them. Policy is still not settled on the carrying of heavy objects since Anderson got written up for not carrying those 3 VAX 750s for Ms. Hardacre... I think we left it that if the object weighs 30 times your own weight or less you are supposed to carry it, but only in a subservient manner.
No, Bungle, no, you don't understand. This isn't about that nonsense at all. They merely suggested that you and your programmers, well, uh, act more like programmers.
What do you mean, sir?
Well, according to the guidance provided by the lawyers, programmers are supposed to behave in certain predictable ways, thus relieving some of the stress on the other employees by enabling them to predict the programmers' behavior.
They want us to conform to a stereotype?
Oh, yes, yes. I'm not very clear on why, but the lawyers seem to be behind this concept in a big way. Maybe because of the uniformity of the esteem afforded lawyers they want to foster these stereotypes. Anyway, here are a few items that the legal people suggested I pass along. Remember, these items take on an almost religious significance to most programmers so make sure you and your people memorize every detail, no matter how apparently insignificant. To begin, here are all 45 episodes of Monty Python's Flying Circus. Memorize the sketches in every program and be prepared to recite random bits of dialog in a loud, high voice at inappropriate times.
Monty Python tapes. Got it. OK, what else?
Here are some tapes of the original Star Trek series. Memorize the dialog for these too, as well as many irrelevant details and scientific contradictions as possible. You don't need to know the names of the security people that inevitably get killed on "away teams," although one of them is always named Ensign Liebowitz. Don't pay too much attention to the recurring themes of freedom and independence; these recently outmoded concepts can be passed off as '60s naivete.
Original Star Trek. Check.
There are some assorted books here, too. J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy and "The Hobbit" are required reading. Also, memorization of Douglas Adams "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" is imperative. As a general rule, you can't go wrong with including any science fiction. As for games, you should play a lot of Dungeons &
Dragons. The rules are hideously complex and there are many, many tables of items, spells, monsters, and abilities. Spend endless hours thinking of how to resolve contradictions in the rules like whether an invisible person casts a shadow. And play chess, too. Mind you, you don't have to play very well, just talk a good game. Make wild unsupportable claims about your ability.
What about diet, sir?
Good point, Bungle, good point. Restrict the programmers to high sugar, high caffeine beverages like sweetened coffee or soda. Try and restrict their food intake to pizza, but this isn't strictly necessary as any food that can be delivered by a delivery person of foreign birth is sufficient. That reminds me: except for the possibility of throwing frisbees, programmers are not supposed to exercise. Programmers are supposed to be recognizable by body shape. The guidelines for this are a bit spotty but a good rule of thumb is the widest part of the programmer should be somewhere around the middle. Furthermore, a nice deathly pallor is always taken for a sign of intelligence or death, so keep the programmers out of the sunlight. As a matter of fact, get them to change their sleeping habits so they more closely resemble a vampire's.
My goodness, I had no idea we were supposed to be filling our brains with all of this information. Obviously, sir, we won't have enough time to memorize all of this and still maintain the same level of code production.
I know, Bungle, I know, but remember that in the '90s it's more important to be politically correct than productive.
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Changes were last made on 05-05-2002
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