The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
Koresh Jokes
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After the tragedy of Mr. Carmel on Monday, the Branch Dividians will be holding a BAR-B-QUE to attract new members.
Why did Koresh's last manager like him so much?
He was a real self-starter...
Koresh finally received his word from God.
How, you ask?
Well, Moses had his burning ash, and Koresh had his burning Branches.
Did you hear what they were changing the name WACO to?
Corpus Crispy
Did you hear that Kraft has braught out a new salad dressing?
It's called Ranch Dividian, and it wont come out no matter how hard you shake it!
Why don't we have more prophets like David Koresh?
It's such a high stress job that burnout is almost inevitable.
What was the most popular name for Branch Dividian children?
ASHley.
What were David Koreshe's last words?
"Damn it, how many times have I told you kids not to play with matches!"
Why did David KorASH have so many wivs?
They made excellent matches.
Koreshe's message to the BATF...
"Next time knock first."
How many Branch Dividiens does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they provide their own illumination.
Did you hear who stopped smoking?
David Koresh.
If you're a smoker, there's one thing you should neaver do in Waco.
Ask for a light...
What do David Koresh and Rodney King have in common?
They're both black.
You know Koresh was waiting for a message from God.
He got it last Monday...
God said, "David, preheat to 1300 F, and bake for 25 minutes."
How do you pick up a Dividian girl?
With a dust-buster.
Coming soon in the classifieds:
FOR SALE: "I lived with David Koresh" T-shirt, slightly burned.
David Koresh's last words?
"Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
"No, Bud Light!"
"Just kidding, I'm not really God."
"OW!!!!!!!" <-----BEST GUESS
What were the FBI's first words?
"Did anybody bring any marshmallows?"
What do Rodney King & David Koresh have in common?
They're both black!
What's black and orange, and has little crispy things inside?
A burnt out school bus.
How do you pick up Branch Davidian Women????
With a Dustbuster...
What do branch Davidian Women call sex?
Prophet sharing...
What was God's message to David Koresh?
Well Done...
What happens when you mix Waco with San Andreas?
Shake & Bake
Who quit qmoking this year?
David Koresh
I would have become a Branch Davidian, but I don't smoke...
What color are David Koresh's eyes?
Blue... one blew this way, one blew that way.
What does Waco have in common with Wendy's?
They both have cookers named Dave.
I've heard of firing on the job, but Koresh took it too far!
How many Branch Davidiand fit in a Yugo?
20: 2 in the front, 3 in the back, 15 in the ashtray
Why is Waco known as the world's biggest Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Everything is either regular or extra crispy.
Was David Koresh angry with the FBI?
No, but a little burned up.
Is Waco integrated?
No, everyone there is black.
Overheard by listeners at Waco:
Jeffrey Dahmer: "I said MEDIUM RARE!"
Why hasn't anyone replaced David Koresh?
Too much job burn out.
How is David Koresh and Rodney King the same?
They're both black.
How do you pick up Branch Davidians?
With a dust buster.
David Koresh: Wanted to become a son of god, became friar instead.
Oh my god! Jeffrey Dahlmer escaped! But don't worry, he was found in Waco with a 5 quart bottle of BBQ sauce!
They recognized David's body from the Smoking jacket and charcol trousers.
What are the FOUR meanings of WACO?
1. We Ain't Coming Out
2. What A Cook Out!
3. We Are Crispy Occultists
4. We All Cremated Ourselves
What do Rodney King and David Koresh have in common ???
They're both black.
Difference between chicken and David Koresh?
Chickens don't fry themselves.
How do you pick up a Branch Davidian woman?
With a dustpan
With a dustbuster
What 3 important things did David Koresh forget??????
stop, drop, and roll.........
Why did the Branch Davidians commit mass suicide?
To keep up with the Joneses!
David Koresh at the gates of hell: "Um, I meant Bud Light..."
Did you hear the Pope canonized David Koresh?
He's a Friar!
Did you hear Jeffery Dalhmer is heading down to Waco with a 55 gal. drum of barbecue sauce?
There's a special on baby back ribs in Waco today!
Why did David Koresh set his house on fire?
He wanted to keep up with the Joneses.
NBC claims the fire was actually started by a GMC truck
Koresh's message to the BATF.
"Next time knock first."
New FBI motto: If you can't beat them, broil them.
Why couldn't the Branch Davidians go out to restaurants?
There was never enough room in the smoking section!
WHEN DAVID KORESH WENT TO HEAVEN GOD SAID: WELL DONE!!!
WHATS DAVID KORESH'S SECRET TO CHICKEN: EXTRA CRISPY!!!
Why don't Branch Dividians take baths?
Because it makes them soggy and hard to light.
WACO recipe
Obtain one Lamb o' God. Garnish with approximately 90 vegetables, and seal up tightly with Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. Allow them to stew in their own juice for 51 days, then sear quickly using a wood fire. Serves 1 media circus.
Did you hear that Waco, Texas is changing its name.
Now their calling themselves, Corpus Chrispy !
How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a Volkswagon?
All of them...in the ashtray.
Did you hear about the new restaurant opening in Waco?
It's a new Sizzler.
What's their first special to be?
Baby-back ribs. (GROSS!)
After today's coroner's report we may learn that David Koresh
"smoked but didn't inhale"!
What is David Koresh's favorite song?
We Didn't Start The Fire.
Smoke gets in your eyes
Burn for you
Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning
Acronyms:
WACO: Well Attended Cook Out
WACO: Willie Authorized a Cook Out
FBI: Federal Bureau of Incineration
WACO: We Ain't Coming Out
WACO: We're All Christs Offsprint
WACO: What are All those Cops doin' Out there?
WACO: We Are Completely Outre'
WACO: We Are teh Church of Ordinance
WACO: We Are Christ's Outpost
WACO: What the ATF Can't Outrun
WACO: We Are Clinical Outpatients
WACO: We Are Combustable OK
WACO: What A Cop Out
WACO: We Are Christianity's Outcasts
WACO: We Are Crispy Outside
BRANCH DIVIDIAN HYMNAL
1. LOSIN' MY RELIGION - REM
2. HELL IS FOR CHILDREN - PAT BENATAR
3. I'M ON FIRE - SPRINGSTEEN
4. JESUS HE KNOWS ME - GENESIS
5. LIGHT MY FIRE - DOORS
6. DUST IN THE WIND - KANSAS
7. GREAT BALLS OF FIRE - JERRY LEE LEWIS
8. FIREWOMAN - THE CULT
9. BURNING FOR YOU - BLUE OYSTER CULT
10. MANIC MONDAY - BANGELS
11. COP KILLER - ICE T (HELMET)
12. I SHOT THE SHERIFF - BOB MARLEY/ERIC CLAPTON
13. JESUS IS ALRIGHT - DOOBIE BROTHERS
14. BRUENHILDE'S IMMOLATION SCENE - WAGNER
15. BURNIN' DOWN THE HOUSE - TALKING HEADS
16. BEDS ARE BURNING - MIDNIGHT OIL
17. SHOT DOWN IN FLAMES - AC-DC
18. SMOKIN' - BOSTON
19. HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN - BEATLES
20. FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE - METALLICA
21. BLACKENED - METALLICA
22. CANDLE IN THE WIND - ELTON JOHN
This page is maintained by: mark@thecoffeeplace.com
Changes were last made on 05-05-2002
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