The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
Answering Machines
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You have reached xxx-xxxx. We are in the yard digging for gold and every time we get near the gold, the blasted phone rings and when we get back, we can't remember where the gold was.. If you leave your name & number..
"Hello, I am Andrew's answering machine. What are you?"
"Hi, this is Andrew's answering machine. He's not here but I am open to suggestions"
"Hi, this is Andrew's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy Microwave he met at Joyce Mayne's Discounts. Life sucks, tell me something new."
"Hi, Andrew's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
A variation on that one is to record a message in the same type of monotone as the phone company recording: "The number you have called is in service. Please hang up and try your call again. This is a recording."
I used to have one on my machine that when the "I" answered the phone, I had very loud heavy metal playing in the background and I'm shouting: "Hello? Hello? I can't hear you! Hang on a sec...HEY YOU GUYS someone's on the phone turn that crap down!" Then I get on and say well just kidding leave your message...blah, blah, blah.
I used to have another more serious one I had on it, went like this:
Who could it be, this unseen caller
Who has startled the chime within my phone?
If you so like, please feel free to leave your message at the tone.
(I had the opening of Pink Floyd's song "Money" playing in the background.)
"Thank you for calling. If you have a touch tone phone press 1 to leave a message, 2 to talk to a real person, 3 to listen to me sing...Thank you for chosing 3" Then go into a song. A good one for Christmas with Jingle Bells.
"A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away"...BEEP
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"...BEEP
"Bark bark woof woof"...BEEP
"Please deposit $.50 for another 3 minutes"...BEEP
"Thank you for calling Roger's phone fantasies press 1 to talk to Cindy, 2 to talk to Wendy, 3 for furry friends...thank you for chosing 3...bahh bahhh bahhhhh"...Beep
"I could not think of anything to say so listen to the blank tape then leave a message after the beep"...............................................................................................Beep
"Every one said my last greeting was to long. So listen to this one and if you care to leave a message tell me what you think, is this one better or worse. I did't think the last one was that long but...(and go on and on)"...BEEP
To avoid some of those annoying calls during the day, find a number that is disconnected, and record the message on your answering machine.
"The number you have reached is not a working number, and there is no new number."
Of course a variant is to record:
"The number you have reached has been changed. The new number is ..."
To frustrate your callers, leave no new number on the recording.
To be considerate give a number to an automatic service or
business.
Last I heard, they were going to call an out of service number, tape the voice that says "This is a Telecom announcement. The number you have reached is not in use at this time...." and put in on the answering machine. No-one ever listens to all of those out-of-service announcements. I can just imagine someone wasting 3 phone calls thinking they've got the wrong number.
A variation on that one is to record a message in the same type of monotone as the phone company recording: "The number you have called is in service. Please hang up and try your call again. This is a recording."
Answering Machine Messages
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"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.
If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya.
We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right.......real slow.........So leave a message,
and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
This page is maintained by: mark@thecoffeeplace.com
Changes were last made on 05-05-2002
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