The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
Lawyer Jokes
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Have you noticed that the really smart people think like you do?
Q: What the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes of to jump on a trampoline.
Q: Why was the lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A: There was a shortage of sand.
... Virginity is curable if detected young enough.
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
Q: Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet below ground instead of the usual 6?
A: Because deep down, they're not so bad!
Two lawyeres are walking down the street when this beautiful redhead walks by them. One lawyer turns to his buddy and says " Boy would I like to screw her ".
The other laywer replies " Out of what? "
Q: You're in a room with Hitler, Mussolini, and a lawyer. You've got a pistol with only two bullets...Whom do you shoot?
A: The lawyer....twice
þ OLX 2.1 TD þ I don't know much about porn, but I know what I like!
A lawyer was approached by the devil one day. The Prince of Darkness informed him that he could arrange it so that he would win _all_ of his court cases, make twice as much money, work half as hard, be appointed to the Supreme Court by the age of 49, and live to be 90. All he had to do was promise the devil his soul, the soul of his wife, his children, and the souls of all of his ancestors.
The lawyer thought for a minute, and then responded: "So what's the catch?"
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A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
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A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
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A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
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"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
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"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
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A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
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These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?".
And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".
And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
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A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."
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A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
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There was this woman who went to see her gynecologist for a check-up.
"Doctor," she said, "is it true that a woman can become pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied, "where do you think lawyers come from?"
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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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When asked, "What is a contigent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
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The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
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Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
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A blind bunny and a blind snake met in the woods. After realizing that they were both blind, they both admitted that, because of their disability, they each didn't know what kind of animal they were, so they suggested that they help each other find out.
The snake crawled around the bunny and said 'Oh, I feel with my nose that you have long floppy ears and hmmm, strong thumper rear feet, and soft fur and a twitchy nose.....I think you are a bunny!'
'The bunny said Oh! I think I am, thank you! Now let me examine you....hmmm you have cold clammy, scaley skin and you slink around close to the ground and you're icky to touch and you have a forked tongue....you must be a lawyer!'
Why do they drill a whole bunch of holes in the bottoms of the coffins that they bury Lawyers in?
Answer: So the maggots can crawl out and puke!
A woman says to the judge, "That's my side of the story. Now let me tell you his!"
The judge said to the man, "This is the fifth time I've had you inthis court. Aren't you a little ashamed?"
"Your Honor, haven't I seen you five times? Do I criticize you?
The judge was firm. "I sentence you to eighteen months for breaking into a house during the night."
The defendant said, "Your Honor, the last time I was here, you put me away for eighteen months for breaking in during the daytime. If I can't do it at night or in the daytime, when am I supposed to make a living?"
The judge faced the defendant and said, "This is not an ordinary case and it must be argued very carefully, so I'm going to let you have four lawyers."
The defendant answered, "Instead of four lawyers, sir, could you hunt up just one good witness?"
The jury finally returned to the courtroom. The judge asked the foreman if a decision had been reached. The foreman said, "Yes, sir. In our opinion, we don't think he did it because we don't believe he was there. But we think he'd have done it if he'd had a shot at it!"
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Pete and Jerry had been law partners for many years. One day, Pete fell ill, and grew progressively worse. Medical specialists were called in from the world over, but no one could diagnose Pete's illness. The only thing that seemed certain was that Pete's death was imminent. As Pete lay in his last hours, he felt obligated to reveal a few secrets to Jerry. "You know that million dollar settlement we got from Morgan last year? I never told you this, but it was really three million. I kept the other two million, and eventually gambled it away. Can you forgive me?" Jerry said that he would, without question. Pete then told him, "Well, you remember when your wife divorced you and got the big alimony judgement? It was me that gave her the inside information on your finances. I had been screwing her for years. How can you forgive me?" Jerry told his friend, once again, that it was forgotten. After Pete had told of several othr transgressions, all of which Jerry forgave, Pete began to look at Jerry as saintly. "How can you be so forgiving, after the way I have cheated and lied to you for so many years?" Jerry answered, "For two reasons, Pete. First, because you will soon be dead, and there's no reason to hate you in the grave. And, secondly, because I poisoned you."
Q. Why Should lawyers be burried face down?
A. If the dead ever rise they'll start digging....
Q. Why shouln't you tell lawyer jokes?
A. Lawyers don't think they're funny and they're true.
Q. If you laid all the lawyers side by side, how far would they reach?
A. Into the next one's pocket.
Q - What is the difference between a lawyer and a child molester?
A - No child molester ever defended a _lawyer's_ actions...
Q - How many lawyers does it take to fill the ocean depths?
A - I dunno, let's give it a shot and find out...
Q - How many sleazy liability litagators does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Why ask them? It's not their fault the lightbulb's burned out. Isn't it, really, all our fault? Isn't it specifically the fault of the light fixture manufacturer who'd do this to a bulb and then just try to move on?
Q - Why does New Jersey have more toxic chemical dumps than Lawyers?
A - They had a choice...
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What does a lawyer typically say in a bar?
A: "Moo"
Q: What is the best way a lawyer can prolong his life?
A: Wrap himself with duct tape.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A dobermann.
Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
A. The cats keep covering them up with sand.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No? Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Two lawyers were going at one another as the trial started. One lawyer said to the other, "You are a complete and total fraud."
The other lawyer retorted, "You're a penny-stealing ambulance chaser."
The judge cut in, saying, "Now that you've identified one another, shall we go on with the case?"
The attorney was questioning the witness, who was responding directly to the attorney. The attorney said, "Please speak to the jury."
The witness smiled at the jury and said, "Hi there!"
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A jury heard a case and brought in a verdict of not guilty, explaining, "It was an act of God under very suspicious circumstances!"
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She was on trial for having shot her husband. She'd been found with the smoking gun in her hand. But the jury let her go because she was a widow!
Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived happily ever after.
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Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
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Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer.
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A lawyer was questioning one of the witnesses. "Are you sure my client shot him at close range?"
The witness aid, "Very close range."
"Were there powder marks on him?"
"Yup. Why do you think she shot him?"
A fellow with legal problems came into town in a hurry and inquired of the first person he saw, "Do you have any criminal lawyers here?"
The man replied, "Yes, three or four, but we've never been able to convict any of them yet."
Q: Did you hear about the prison bus that ran into a cement truck?
A: The police are looking for hardened criminals.
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If cops are called "pigs," then are undercover cops called "pigs in a blanket"?
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Q: What's the only place in the world that has 24 hour police protection?
A: Dunkin' Donuts.
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Q: What did the crook who stole the calendar get?
A: Twelve months.
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Q: What kind of spies hang around department stores?
A: Counter spies.
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Q: Who are the slowest talkers in the world?
A: Convicts. They can spend 25 years on a single sentence.
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Q: What did the jury say when the judge asked for order in the court?
A: Justice is served.
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Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
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A jury commissioner received a reply in response to a jury summons. It said: I would be most happy to service, but first you will have to make arrangements for my release from jail.
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A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care you you know! You're getting a ticket!"
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A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
Q: What did the newspaper headline read the morning after someone named Arty strangled 3 people on a $1. bet?
A: Arty chokes 3 for a $1.
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Q:What cops stay warm on the beat?
A: Undercover cops.
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Q:How did the chain gang get past the guard?
A: They disguised themselves as a charm bracelet.
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A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
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Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
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DIVORCE SETTLEMENT
Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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Changes were last made on 05-05-2002
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