The Coffee Place's Joke Stack
From : Philip Thornton 3:800/846 Sun 23 Jan 94 11:00
Man: "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain."
Psychiatrist: "Pull yourself together!"
Man: "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball."
Psychiatrist: "Get to the end of the queue (cue)."
Man: "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible."
Psychiatrist: "Who said that?"
Man: "Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."
Psychiatrist: "Nonsense! I like sausages too."
Man: "Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds."
I said, "Doc, I don't wanna brag, but I can do the same thing at fifty I did at twenty!"
He said, "What's that?"
I said, "Lie!"
Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: "Oops!"
A doctor tells his patient: "I've got some bad news and good news for you. I'll tell you the bad news first. You have a very serious disease. On the average, only one person in ten with this condition will survive.
The patient asks "What's the good news."
The doctor replies: "My last nine patients died."
Q: Why did the king visit the dentist?
A: To get his crown fixed.
Dentists are happiest when they're down in the mouth.
Upon receiving the bill for the extraction of a tooth, the patient phoned his dentist and complained, "This is three times what you normally charge!"
The dentist replied, "I know, but you yelled so loud, you scared away two patients."
My son's dental hygienist is very pretty....so before every exam he eats a box of Oreo cookies.
During a family dinner, my sister Kathy, the dentist, was lecturing us about our flossing habits. Our brother Jim said, "Well, flossing is a pain in the rear."
"Then you're definitely not doing it right," Kathy replied.
Q: If the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, what ship did the doctors come over on?
A: The blood vessels.
Dr: Is your cough better this morning?
Patient: It should be. I've been practicing all night.
Nurse: Hello. I'm calling about the check you wrote. I came back.
Patient: So did my arthritis.
Doctor: Did you go to another doctor before you came to me?
Patient: Yes, why?
Doctor: What foolish advice did he give you?
Patient: He told me to come to you.
Q: What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?
A: A dry doc.
Q: What do female doctors use men for?
A: Male practice.
Q: How is a hospital gown like insurance?
A: You're never covered as much as you think you are.
Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.
Doctor: Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that.
Q: What do you do when a pharmaceutical salesman knocks on your door?
A: Vitamin!
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other?
A: You better get dressed...the doctor is taking us out tonight.
Q: What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
A: Saturday night fever.
Sid: The doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath.
Sam: Did it work?
Sid: I don't know. I can never finish drinking the hot bath.
Doctor: Now just step on the scales. There you see? Look at this chart. You're overweight.
Patient: No, I'm not. I'm just 6 inches too short.
I'm a doctor and I haven't lost a patient yet. I know where all of them are buried.
Old doctors never die....they just lose their patients.
Definition of conflict of interest: A get well card from your doctor.
Doctors bury their mistakes.
Q: Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street?
A: They were arch enemies.
Podiatrist: Someone who knows the agony of de feet.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
People who constantly cough never go to the doctors. They go to banquets, to concerts, to church....
A doctor giving a circumcision was heard saying, "It won't be long now."
One plastic surgeon to another: My daughter gets her good looks from me.
Overheard in doctor's waiting room: I used to watch golf on TV, but the doc said I needed more exercise....so now I watch tennis.
I'd feel better about what doctors do if they didn't call it practice.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day keeps everyone away.
Q: What does it mean when a doctor tells you, "We caught this just in time?"
A: It means that if you had waited any longer, it would have cleared up by itself.
Chiropractors don't get old....they adjust.
The strangest thing happened the other day. I was listening to a boring talk by a podiatrist and my foot fell asleep.
As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, "Any coughing, wheezing or shortness of cash?"
Pathologists know how to cut loose.
My doctor told me I was iron deficient....so I took up nail biting.
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat next to a fireplace and melted?
My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse...then she got a little buggy.
Medical Terminology:
Caesarean section: A district in Rome.
Dilate: To live long.
Protein: In favor of young people.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Organic: Musical.
1991 definition of an umbilical cord: Baby bungee.
When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns you know the end is in sight.
Surgeons are doctors on the cutting edge.
Doctor: The only man who enjoys poor health.
A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing," he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."
The doctor was examining the trick knee of his pretty young patient when he said, "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?"
Two boys were trying to outdo each other. The first said, "My uncle is a doctor. I can be sick for nothing."
The second youngster said, "Big deal! My uncle is a preacher. I can be good for nothing."
A doctor had been attending a rich old man, but it became apparent the old guy had not long to live. So he asked if his affairs were in order. The old gentleman replies,"Oh, yes. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."
A young medical student was called to the dean's office. "Son," he advised, "You're doing pretty well here at school, but you must learn to write less clearly."
Patient: Well, Doc, you sure kept your promise. You said I'd be walking in a month and you were right. I had to sell my car to pay your bill."
An attractive young woman who had just had surgery performed on her asked the doctor, "Will the scar show?"
The doctor replied, "That's entirely up to you."
A man tells his doctor his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it. The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
A doctor said to his patient, "Well, your leg is swollen, but I wouldn't worry about it."
The patient replied, "No, and if your leg were swollen I wouldn't worry about it either."
A man kept going to the eye doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. He said, "Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can't drink tea."
So the patient said, "But I love tea."
The doctor replied, "Okay, as long as you take the spoon out."
As 93-year old man marries an 18-year old girl. His doctor tells him, "The age difference in your marriage could be fatal."
After thinking a moment the old man replied, "Well if she dies, she dies."
While sitting on the train one day, the man next to me started screaming, "Call me a doctor! Call me a doctor!"
I asked, "Are you sick?"
"No," he replied, "I just graduated from medical school."
I had an operation a year ago and the doctor accidentally left a sponge in my stomach. It doesn't hurt. I don't feel anything. But on occasion, boy do I get thirsty!
ARTERY ..................The study of paintings
Barium ..................What you do when CPR fails
Cesarean Section ........A district in Rome
COLIC ...................A sheep dog
COMA ....................A punctuation mark
What the Doctor says
What the Doctor really means
"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself."
"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this w -or-
"I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologist also say this alot.)
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I have a 40% intrest in the lab."
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
"He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."
"How are we today?"
"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea."
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."
"This may smart a little."
"Last week two patients bit through thier tongues."
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
"I can't remember your name, nor why you are here."
"This should fix you up."
"The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."
"Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."
"I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."
"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.
"Why don't you slip out of your things."
"I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow."
-or-
"I haven't had a good laugh all day."
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."
"There is a lot of that going around."
"My God, thats the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."
Psychiatrist to patient: "We've made great strides in your case Mr. Blumberg. Originally it was thought that phobias such as this were a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Now we've progressed to the point where we don't know what causes it."
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
At the Prison Hospital
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils,
adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me
out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
----
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
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